


Random Student: Paranoid Investigator

by Intellectual_Property_Thief



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Comedy, Friendship, Fun, Lots of sarcasm, Mystery, Original Character(s), Other, POV Original Character, Paranormal Investigators, Parody, Twilight Parody, Twilight Renaissance, not meant to hate on twilight fans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Intellectual_Property_Thief/pseuds/Intellectual_Property_Thief
Summary: When Tina Garbage moved to a creaky house that was almost certainly haunted in Forks, Washington, with inhumanly handsome neighbors and constant gray skies, she noticed right away that this town was weird. The teachers all seemed to have a quirk, there was always a mysterious fog hovering around, and this strange family, the Cullens, seemed to captivate all of the students in her school. Tina quickly found herself investigating the happenings in this town, not knowing how crazy things were going to get.
Kudos: 8





	1. Welcome to Forks

**Author's Note:**

> This is not meant to hate on Twilight fans. Like what you like. I just read the book, saw a fun idea on Tumblr, and thought it would be an interesting angle for the story. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> I'll try to update every week over the summer. Might be a little difficult.

Her name was Tina Garbage.

Yes, her last name was actually Garbage. Her family came through Ellis Island about a hundred years ago, and the guy at the station must have really hated her great-great-great-grandfather. Or mother. Her dad's not really sure.

At the start of this craziness, Tina was sixteen years old. She doesn’t know why that is important to the story. She was apparently supposed to keep track of  _ everything _ , for posterity or whatever. Her entire family had just moved to Forks, Washington*. Her dad thought “oooooooooh this is a quiet town! Good place to get away from the craziness of the city! Who cares that it’s super rainy and the house next door is full of weird people who don’t eat or sleep, ever? Let’s do this!”

So they moved to Forks . In mid-January, also known as the most convenient time to completely uproot one’s life. After driving over a bumpy gravel road framed by huge, tall trees, casting shadows so deep Tina had to squint to see anything, they pulled up to the house they had found on Craigslist, which Tina’s dad was “super excited” about and said Tina “would love.” This house. The house they were looking at. The house that was made of unpainted, dark wood, with mossy shingles and a crooked metal chimney, with a crowing raven perched on the creaking weather vane and overgrown weeds choking the falling-apart stairs.

“There’s  _ no way _ this is the same house as the ads,” Tina said. She looked around the wood-paneled walls, dark with shadows from the trees outside, and wondered how on Earth the landlord had managed to make this place look so inviting. It turned out the owner had taken the bright, warm pictures on the one sunny day a year Forks had.

“Oh, come on Tina, it won’t be so bad!” Her dad put an arm around her and swept his hand to the heavens, as if he should be holding poor Yorick’s skull in it. “We'll put in some fairy lights, some nice rugs, curtains…”

“Hmph.” Tina kicked at the floorboards.

“I think it’s great!” Tina’s sister, Krista Garbage, bounced into the room, her pink blouse managing to sear an imprint into Tina’s pupils. Krista and Tina’s dad were kindred spirits. They had the same straight black hair, light brown skin, and long, spindly fingers. They had the same wide smile, booming laughs, and brightly colored wardrobes. Tina, in contrast, was short and chubby, with stubby little hands, dark skin, black curly hair that framed her face, and ears that stuck out much too far past her head. She tended to wear things in dark purples, blues, and blacks, mostly featuring stars and moons. Tina wasn’t better than her family, or anything, she was just...different.

“You’ll warm up to it, Tina.” Tina’s dad put a long arm around her and squeezed.

“I’m not sure about that.” Tina gestured at everything.

“Don’t be such a Negative Nancy, Tina!” Krista punched Tina’s arm. 

“Ow.” Tina winced and rubbed the spot. “Do you have to do that so  _ hard _ ?”

Krista stuck out her tongue.

A creepy, high-pitched  _ ding-dong _ echoed from down the hall.

“What is  _ that?”  _ Tina asked, expecting to hear about a haunted bell or the desperate callings of a graveyard ghost.

“Oh, that’s just the doorbell. Must be the landlord. Tina, go take the papers to him.”

“Wait, back up, our doorbell sounds like  _ that?”  _ Tina raised her eyebrows at her dad. He nodded.

“Okay, so, just to clarify,” Tina said, pacing, “we’ve moved to a creaky, cold house where it’s always raining, located at the end of a  _ long, gravel road  _ in the  _ middle of the woods,  _ and our doorbell sounds like a church bell in a horror movie?” 

“That about sums it up, yeah,” her dad chirped.

“...okay.” Tina sighed and pinched her forehead. “I’ll just go greet our landlord who’s  _ definitely not  _ a  _ murderer _ .”

Tina picked up the papers and walked to the door. Of course, on the way there, her foot clipped the edge of their new, incredibly sharp dining table. Because what else was supposed to go wrong that day.

“Ow! Shi--”

“LANGUAGE!” her dad bellowed from the other room.

She groaned and looked at the red bursting from her now very sore toe. Gritting her teeth, she continued her stumble to the door, jamming her feet into some fuzzy slippers on her way. She yanked open the door.

“Hi, hi, sorry, here’s the papers,” Tina muttered, staring at their shiny black shoes.

“Oh, that’s all right. We don’t mind waiting,” a high, melodious voice answered, far from the raspy screech Tina was expecting. She looked up.

Standing on her welcome mat were two of the most uncannily beautiful people Tina had ever seen. One was a broad-framed man with short, blond hair, wearing a neatly pressed knitted sweater (which was about two sizes too small), with a flat, straight nose and perky, golden eyes. His taller, thinner companion was wearing all black. He had curly, straw-colored hair, the same golden eyes, a rounded nose, and sharp cheekbones. The most unsettling thing about the both of them was they had no wrinkles or blemishes on their skin. No freckles, no crow’s feet, no smile lines. They looked as if they had been carved out of a marble block, rather than grown in...you get the idea.

“Hello, I am Carlisle. Pleasure to meet you,” the shorter one said. He didn’t extend a hand, and his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Pleasure to you too? I’m, um,”  _ don’t tell him your name  _ “Jennifer. Jennifer Garbage. I have the papers here.” Tina handed them to Carlisle. 

“Thank you. This is my son, Jasper.” He gestured at his companion.

“Wait, that’s your--” Tina stopped herself before she said something she would regret.  _ That’s his son?  _ She thought.  _ He looks like Carlisle’s  _ brother.

He was also staring at her foot.

“Ah, I see you have a cut,” Carlisle remarked, glancing at Jasper. He stepped closer. “Would you like me to patch it up for you?”

“How did you--”

“I can see it on your slipper.” Carlisle smiled, his gaze piercing through Tina’s skull.

“Uh, no, thank you,” Tina mumbled. She watched Jasper continue to stare.

There was an uneasy pause. Carlisle cleared his throat. Japer’s eyes snapped to meet hers, and he gave her the tiniest simper possible.

“Well, we better be going,” Carlisle said. “I need to rest before I start my shift at the hospital. We live right next door, if you need anything.” His expression remained tight, calculated, closed.

“Thank you. I’ll, uh, let my dad know.” Tina wobbled her features into a nervous grin.

Carlisle and Jasper waved and walked down the long, long driveway. She didn’t wait to watch them go. She ran into the house and slammed the door shut, sweat running down her spine, heart lodged in her throat. 

Who  _ were  _ those people? How was Carlisle Jasper’s dad? How did they have no skin issues? Why was Carlisle’s sweater so tight? And how,  _ how  _ did they know she had a cut on her foot? Because she  _ checked _ , and there was  _ no sign of blood  _ on the outside of her shoe. Just cute little cows jumping over cute little moons.

What was  _ wrong  _ with this place?

“Hey, do you guys want pizza for dinner?!” Her dad yelled from down the hall. Tina jumped with a shriek. Her dad raised his eyebrows.

“Tina, are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just a little anxious, that’s all.” Tina tried to compose herself. His gaze softened.

“Tina, I know moving in the middle of the school year is weird, and I know it’s been hard for everyone, but you’ll be okay, kiddo.” He shuffled his feet. “I’m here if you need to talk to me about anything.”

Tina smiled. “Thanks, Dad. And yes, pizza sounds great.”

“Great! I’ll get Krista to order, she’s the best at that kind of thing. And, kiddo?”

“Yeah Dad?”

“I love you.”

“Love you too, Dad.”

Tina’s dad trudged down the hall, yelling for Krista to order the pizza, and what toppings he wanted. Tina went to follow, but turned and looked back at the door. A shiver ran down her back. She shook it off. They must’ve just been weird. Her dad was right. Everything would be normal and okay.

Little did she know what she had gotten herself into.

* not to be confused with Spoons, a village in the highlands of Scotland famous for worshipping the giant Spoon God.


	2. Sudans, Stares, and Schwananana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina starts her first day at school, and it goes about as well as you would expect.

“Well, this looks...fun,” Krista said.

Fun was not quite the right word for this place. Standing in the parking lot, Tina gazed at the endless maze of red brick buildings, the leafless tree limbs cutting dark lines through the gray clouds, the single dead leaf blowing in the wind across their path, and the words scary, dismal, dreary came to mind.

“Hopefully there’s not a cult here, or something,” Tina remarked. “It would really suck if I died before graduating high school.”

“Oh, don’t be so  _ negative _ .” Krista wrinkled her nose. “I’m sure it’ll be nice inside!”

“If you say so.” Tina checked her watch. She always liked looking at it, with its dark violet face adorned with shiny yellow stars. “We have fifteen minutes until class.”

“Did you genuinely need to check the time, or were you just trying to feel cool?”

“Shut up.”

“Whatever.” Krista snickered. “I’m gonna go find my class. Good luck with your cult!” She bounced off down the hallway. 

“You too,” Tina shouted after her. She pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket, with the words “building 2A” scrawled across it in her signature unreadable handwriting. Tina peered once again at the endless maze of red brick buildings, looking for their numbers.

Of course, none of the buildings had any .*

_ Great,  _ Tina thought. She stared back at the parking lot with a sigh. She wondered if it was too late to run into the woods, crawl into the first hole she could find, and never come out.

That was when the world stopped. Literally. As if they had been waiting for this moment, the students stopped their hustle and bustle and turned their eyes to the parking lot. Tina looked around. She ran in front of a student and waved her hand in front of his face.

He didn’t react.

“Hello?!” Tina snapped her fingers. He still didn’t react. He only emitted a tiny gasp and put a hand over his heart, but he was obviously focused on something else.

Tina followed his gaze, just in time to see a sleek black car pull into the parking lot.

Four people slid out of the black sudan, their footsteps echoing on the pavement. One of them Tina recognized as Jasper, or as she had nicknamed in her head, “the Footman.” The driver was a tall man with a thin frame and a pointed nose, wearing rumpled clothes only in gray, with cinnamon toast hair that stuck up to the grey clouds. The other two in the group were girls. One of them, a good head shorter than the rest, was holding onto Jasper’s arm, her black hair and skirt spiking out past her tiny frame. Her cheekbones were knives in her face, her wrists golf balls attached to her arms. The other girl was almost as tall as Jasper, and seemed to be angry at everything. She glared at the ground, the sky, the trees in the distance, as if they had somehow personally offended her. She was also beautiful, in Tina’s opinion, with long golden hair and curves accentuated by a leather jacket. Tina, being a useless lesbian, couldn’t help but stare.

The four of them had the same long, spindly fingers, same paper-white, blemishless skin, the same marble-carved look. They exchanged haughty smirks, as if they knew a secret no one else could ever guess. Tina shivered. Her palms began to sweat.

Then, as suddenly as it had stopped, the hustle and bustle of the students began again. People chatted as if nothing had happened, carrying half-eaten toast, colorful notebooks, and, in one case, fifteen photos of the Queen of England.

Tina did not join them. How in the world could she? She just saw the whole world stop and watch four people get out of a car. Yes, they were somewhat aesthetically pleasing, but  _ no one  _ would stop their  _ entire day _ just to look at a statue. Something else  _ had  _ to be going on.

A hand clapped on Tina’s shoulder. She screamed and whipped around, extending her hand, which then collided with something soft and squishy.

That  _ something  _ turned out to be a person. That person fell to the floor, right on their butt. That fall made that person very upset.

“Ow! Jesus! What the hell?!” The person yelled.

“I’m so sorry!” Tina ran forward and pulled the person up. “I was just--”

“Where did you  _ learn  _ that? Is that the way they greet people in Colorado? God!” the person, who Tina identified as a girl, rubbed her cheek.

“No, I just--I’m  _ really _ sorry, okay?” Tina tried to make eye contact with the girl. “I swear, I thought you were...someone else.”

“It’s fine, well, it’s  _ not  _ fine, but I’ll forgive it this time.” The girl flipped her long, intricately braided red hair over her shoulder, smoothing it with her pale, freckled hands. Her green eyes peered down at Tina through round, faux-gold rimmed, flower-adorned glasses. 

There was an awkward pause .*

“Uh, my name is Tina.” Tina held out her hand.

“You can call me Izzy,” said the redhead, taking it delicately, her fingers barely touching Tina’s. “Well, my  _ legal  _ name is Isabella Isobelle Isaiah Izzy Iselle III, but that has proven to be impractical in most social situations.”

_ She obviously reads a Thesaurus,  _ Tina thought. Thankfully, she had the common sense not to say that, although apparently she  _ didn’t  _ have the common sense not to slap the first person she came across.

“I have been told to take you to your first class, seeing as the buildings are an endless maze of red bricks,” Izzy said. 

“Yeah this town seems to really hate numbers,” Tina laughed.

Izzy smirked. “Apparently, they’re cursed.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ll learn about it in history class .* Come this way, you’re about to be late.” Izzy turned and walked over the grass, crunching several dead leaves underfoot.

“So, uh, how did you know I was from Colorado?” Tina panted, struggling to keep up with Izzy’s long strides.

“The teacher told me. She said we ‘need to be as welcoming as possible to the new students this year.’” Izzy kept her gaze fixed straight ahead.

“New students?” Tina had thought she was the only one coming to school in the middle of January.

“Oh yes, there is another student coming in… Isabella Swan, I think her name was? Good thing I call myself Izzy, or that would be a nightmare.” She rolled her eyes. “Ah, here we are.” Izzy opened the door to a building on the right side of campus, unlabeled as usual. 

“Thanks. And sorry, again,” Tina said.

“And again, you’re forgiven. This time.” Izzy smiled, turned on her heel, and walked away, disappearing in the shrubs and mists.

Tina took a deep breath and walked into her class.

And was promptly smacked in the face with a book.

“Ow! What the--”

“And THAT’S why SHAKESPEARE is the GREATEST BARD EVER TO LIVE!” The man on the desk screamed, swishing his sword through the air, pointing it at the entire front row, who simply leaned back with an expression that suggested they might be dead inside.

“What--what is--”

“Oh, I didn’t SEE you there!” The man leaped onto the floor, twirling his long, brown mustache. He wore a brown vest, a scarlet tie, and a brown hat with a long red feather stuck in it.

“Uh--”

“Class!” He turned strode toward Tina, taking the longest, widest steps she had ever seen. “THIS is TINA GARBAGE!” He clamped an arm around her shoulder and dragged her to the front of the class, holding his sword high in the air.

There was a pause.

“Hi.” Tina raised a pathetic hand and waved the tiniest wave possible.

The class stared at her. She stared back.

“MY name is Mr. Schwananana ,*” the teacher said. “And THIS CLASS is an ANALYSIS of CLASSICAL LITERATURE. Class, do the cheer.”

“We like Shakespeare, yes we do, we like Shakespeare, how about you,” the class sighed, at different speeds and in different keys.

“Really? Come ON, you HAVE to feel it by now!” Mr. Schwananana turned to Tina. “I’m sorry, Ms. Garbage, my students don’t seem to have the ENTHUSIASM required for CLASSIC LITERATURE.”

“It’s fine,” Tina mumbled. She walked through the rows of gray desks and sat as close to the back as possible. Mr. Schawananana started to yell about  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream _ , swishing his sword and striding back and forth, his boots booming on the floor.

“You’ll get used to it.”

Tina turned around and saw the kid next to her was leaning over. He had black hair and was wearing an MCR t-shirt. Sitting next to him was a girl with dark skin and a million purple braids, and a boy who had a neon green snapback perched atop his neon-green hair.

“What?” Tina asked.

“Him. You’ll get used to him.” The MCR kid smiled at her. She noticed he had a blue skull in his nose. “I’m Cass, by the way.” He held out his hand.

“Tina,” said Tina. She shook it.

“Tina, this is Indigo,” Cass pointed at the girl with braids, who waved, “and this is Hat.” Hat tipped his hat.

“Pleased to meet ya,” Hat chirped.

“You too,” Tina said. “Nice hat...Hat.”

“Thanks!” Hat smiled.

Cass grinned. “Trust me, Tina. This is going to be fun.”

The rest of Tina’s classes, although not as eventful, were certainly just as weird. In her Math class, she watched as a short blond man only answered questions by playing the bongos. In her Science class, her teacher was dressed in all black, like a priest. He spent the whole period rambling about how “stardust is a gift from God,” and when a sparrow flew to the window, he threw a textbook at it and screamed it was “an agent of the Devil.” Tina was glad when lunch finally came, so she could sit and  _ relax _ . 

Or at least, she thought she could relax. It turned out Izzy’s “educating the new kid” duties included sitting with her at lunch.

“Seriously?” Tina said. “You don’t  _ have  _ to sit with me. I slapped you, remember?”

“You don’t need to keep bringing that up, it’s all right,” Izzy replied. “Besides, I want to know more about you. I heard the other girl is very interesting, at least everyone keeps telling me.” She grinned.

“I’m not gonna measure up. I’m about as interesting as a cinder block.” Tina picked up her sandwich and took a bite. “Trust me, it’s fine. I can handle myself.”

“Yes, but I can’t handle having my homeroom teacher yell at me. You must not have had her yet, she’s fun.”

“More fun than Mr. Schwananana?”

“Oh my God you had  _ him  _ today?!” Izzy laughed. “Lucky you!”

“What is his DEAL?!”

“Oh he’s all right! He’s very passionate, that’s all. He has a good heart.”

“Hopefully he won’t  _ stab me  _ in  _ my  _ good heart.”

“I doubt that’ll happen. Last time he accidentally hit someone with a sword, it shattered on impact.”

Tina raised her eyebrows. “ _ Excuse me _ ?”

“You’ll love this. Two years ago, he was giving one of his...lectures, and he threw the sword by mistake. It hit a student, but when it made contact, it broke into hundreds of little pieces. The student wasn’t hurt, thank goodness. It was actually that man over there, Edward!” Izzy pointed to the gray-sweatered, cinnamon-toast haired man from the parking lot. He was sitting with the other three people from the black car.

“The guy everyone was staring at this morning?!” Tina yelped.

“What?” Izzy asked.

“You know, when everyone stopped and just... _ looked  _ at them get out of the car?” Tina frantically gestured at the table of teens. “You had to have noticed.”

“Sorry, what are you talking about? That never happened.”

Tina stared at Izzy. What was wrong with her?

There was a tense pause.

“Nevermind,” Tina said, dropping the matter. “Who are they, anyway?”

“They’re the Cullens. Well, the Cullens and the Hales .*” Izzy pointed to Jasper and the tall blonde woman. “Those two are apparently twins that were adopted. The boy is Jasper, the girl is Rosalie. Rosalie actively  _ hates  _ talking to  _ anyone _ , and Jasper tends to keep to himself.”

“I met Jasper. He stared at my feet .*”

“I’m sorry, what?” Izzy snorted.

“Nothing. Nevermind.”

“All right...well, the man in the gray, that’s Edward, I already introduced him to you, and the tiny girl is Alice. She loves to tell people things like “you’ll be a great mayor one day!’ or ‘awwww your babies will be so cute!’” Izzy did an impression of a pixie, bouncing in her seat.

“Wow, okay. That’s a little weird.”

“Yes, we know.” Izzy took a bite of her salad. “She’s the only nice one though, so we let her do it.” She looked thoughtfully at the Cullens. "You know, they usually have a fifth guy with them...I think his name is Emmett? Anyway he hunts bears in his spare time."

"Huh. That's...neat." Tina looked at the Cullens’ table. They were talking and smirking, as usual, and they were barely touching their food. If you could call what was on their table food. Edward had a single carrot laying on the table in front of him, Alice had a handful of dry rice, Rosalie had a moldy apple, and Jasper had an empty smoothie cup.

“Why does that guy have a single carrot laying on the table?” Tina asked.

“Sorry?” Izzy replied.

“Edward.”

“Oh! He doesn’t eat.” 

“I’m sorry WHAT?!” Tina almost dropped her sandwich.

“He never eats anything. None of them do. They bring food, but like, alien approximations of it? Rosaline brought a giant jar of peanut butter last week and just  _ had it _ in front of her. They don’t think we notice but we  _ definitely do _ .” Izzy continued to munch on her lunch.

Tina wondered which was creepier: that those kids didn’t eat, or that everyone  _ watched them enough to notice. _

“So...um…who is your homeroom teacher?” 

“Oh this lady, Ms. Lime? She’s a lot of fun. Honestly, you two will get along very well. You have the same...tired sarcasm.”

“Thanks.” Tina took another bite of her sandwich. Their conversation lapsed into silence, punctured only by the sounds of dried rice crunching on the floor, faint occult chanting, and some random guy monologuing about his tragic anime backstory while standing on one of the lunch tables. You know, the typical things you hear in a high school cafeteria.

Fifteen minutes of agonizing silence later, Tina opened the door to her fourth class of the day: History. She silently prayed that this class would be the  _ one normal one _ .

No such luck. She was greeted with a deep scowl from heavily bagged eyes.

“Oh look, it’s the new kid.” The teacher took a sip from her cup of coffee. Her blue shirt was untucked, and her brown hair was stuffed into a scruffy bun with several pencils stuck in it. “Class, meet Tina Garbage, Tina Garbage, meet class.” She flopped her hands at Tina and the class respectively. “I’m Ms. Lime. Yes, like the fruit. No, my class is not sub _ lime _ , everyone has made that joke already.” She sighed. “Now siddown, we’re gonna talk about the Industrial Revolution.”

Tina sat.

“Alright kids, so your textbook says the Revolution revolutionized products due to technology and made everything better. And maybe it did, but let me tell you, the shirts got a lot itchier, since no one was crafting them by hand. The fabric dropped in quality so much, in fact, that it was all anyone would talk about. And don’t get me started on having every country hick from every farm across the country crowding into the cities. They’d complain about how  _ crowded  _ it was all the time, which should have been obvious. Did they not  _ read  _ the letters their relatives sent home? I mean--yes, Jonah?”

Ms. Lime was staring at a student raising his hand, with hair that reached for the ceiling and a bright orange dinosaur t-shirt.

“How do you know all this, Ms. Lime?” Jonah asked with a slight smirk. 

“What?! Oh, I just--I read a lot of primary sources!” Ms. Lime began to sweat, her face turning pink. She cleared her throat. “And that’s why you should use those in your projects, kids! You’ll find nuggets of information you’d never learn otherwise. Now, where were we…” Ms. Lime continued her lecture, but Tina was watching Jonah. He was watching Ms. Lime and  _ was he taking notes under his desk?! _

Jonah noticed Tina watching him. He looked at her and winked.

Tina retreated into her shirt.

The rest of the class went on like that, with Ms. Lime describing things in absurdly good detail, Jonah asking how she knew, and her brushing it off. Tina seemed to be the only one paying attention to these weird exchanges. Everyone else just rolled their eyes or stared out of the window. 

So, naturally, when he rolled out of class in his bright orange wheelchair, Tina had no choice but to follow him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *There was, of course, a reason for this. The building was built in 1918, and at that time, the town of Forks was suffering from a mysterious disease. Of course, only mathematicians caught it, seeing as a lack of fresh air and sunshine seemed to be the cause, and the inhabitants of Forks thought it was a “curse of the numbers,” so they didn’t number anything, ever.**  
> **This included children. When someone asked “how old are you?” the inhabitants tended to shrug and go on their merry way.
> 
> * As are common in every interaction, ever.
> 
> *Or in the first footnote.
> 
> * Nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana 
> 
> *I call that band name.
> 
> * Looks like you got off on the wrong foot.


	3. Conspiracies and Candle Wax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina follows the elusive Jonah into his hideout, whereupon she gets a little more than she bargained for.

Keeping track of Jonah wasn’t hard. His bright orange wheelchair and clothes were a beacon among the gray of the high school walls. It was almost as if he had been designed specifically to be followed .*

Tina hid behind trash cans, blended in with the crowd of shuffling students, and in one case, ducked behind someone’s open locker door, scaring them and finding pictures she never wanted to see again.

Jonah turned down the worst possible hallway. There were puddles on the floor, trash was scattered everywhere, and a single working light blinked on and off. There was a single black door at the end of the hall, and it was the only one in the entire school with a number on it. The number, of course, was 666. Because what else was it going to be.

Jonah wheeled right up to the door and twisted the knob, pushing it open with a  _ creeeeeeeeeeak _ . He rolled inside.

_ Am I really about to do this? _ Tina thought. The answer was yes. She was indeed about to follow a kid she’d met once in class, whose name she barely knew, into an empty, dark classroom at the end of an empty, dark hallway.

Tina crept through the door.

The first thing she noticed was  _ candles _ . So, so many candles, in shades ranging from edgy purple to midnight black.* Someone had taken the time to paint occult symbols on them in shiny gold paint. Somehow, they were all lit, in the middle of a school day.

The second thing Tina noticed was a huge cork board on the left wall. It was covered in pictures of shirtless men in jean shorts, giant wolves, pointed teeth, blood splatters, the Cullens, the foggy scenery, and iconic vampiric characters. Each picture was attached to a piece of red string, leading to a tangled mess dangling over the black wall.

Oh, and someone had also taken the time to paint the walls black.

“Hello?” Tina called. “Is anyone there?” She looked around for Jonah. For someone whose color scheme screamed “LOOK AT ME!” he could disappear surprisingly well.

Tina was left standing in the darkness, with only the soft glow of the candles for company .*

“I should’ve known,” Tina muttered. “This was a bad idea. Why did I even follow that kid? I gotta get outta here.”

Too late. The door slammed shut.

Tina whipped around, prepared to slap someone for the second time that day. Grinning in front of the door, in his bright orange shirt, was Jonah. His glasses glinted in the candlelight.

“Hello, Tina,” he said.

“WHAT THE--” Tina stumbled back, tripping and falling into the candle display with a  _ crash _ . Her sleeve caught fire with a  _ whoosh _ . Tina screamed with an  _ aaaaaaaaaa. _

“Oh, for the love of--” Jonah put his head in his hands.

“PUT IT OUT!” Tina shrieked, flailing her arm like a crazed bird.

Jonah sighed, grabbed the fire extinguisher, and put on a facemask, all while Tina continued to flap and scream and hyperventilate. Jonah aimed the nozzle of the fire extinguisher and sprayed Tina with such force that she was blasted into the wall.

Tina lay on the floor, smoking, eyes wide.

“Hey, sorry about that. Are you okay?” Jonah rolled over to her. “I told the occult club those were a fire hazard, but did they listen?  _ Nooooooo. _ ”

“Then-why-would-you-use-them-anyway,” Tina asked through gritted teeth.

“The overhead light doesn’t work. Plus, they have the creepy vibe I’m going for.” He shrugged.

“This whole  _ town _ seems to have the creepy vibe you’re going for.” Tina pulled herself to her feet, ignoring Jonah’s offered hand. “What do you even use this room for, anyway?”

“I’m the President of the Cryptid Conspiracy Club.” Jonah puffed out his chest. 

Tina snorted. “Is that because you’re the only member?”

Jonah sagged. “Yeah, but you didn’t have to  _ say  _ it.”

“So, you like, try to find Mothman and stuff?”

“What? No!” Jonah snorted. “That would be stupid. I just analyze the inconsistencies in this town related to the Cullens, the Quileute reservation, and all of the strange teachers, and I try to figure out how they’re connected. My working theories involve--”

“What?! That’s crazy.”

“Is it? Is it  _ really _ ? Haven’t you noticed how  _ everyone  _ in this town is obsessed with the Cullens?”

“Yeah, including you.” Tina gestured at the cork board.

“Not like they are.” Jonah waved it off. “Look, I know you won’t  _ notice _ , because  _ no one besides me does _ , but the Cullens just...captivate people, somehow. Everyone stops what they’re doing, just to  _ watch them _ .”

“Wait, like in the parking lot this morning?!” 

“Yes! Exactly like that!” Jonah’s eyes lit up. “They do it every morning! It’s like they--”

“Practiced?”

“YES!” Jonah flapped his arms. He had stars in his eyes. “This is so GREAT! I’ve never met anyone who actually sees this stuff! Everyone just thinks I’m crazy! He ran his hands through his hair. “I’ve always wanted a detective partner! We can take notes on them at lunch, we can collect information on them together, you can follow the Cullens during the break, since I’d be too inconspicuous--” Jonah looked at Tina’s face. He slumped.

“You don’t want to join the club, do you?” He asked.

“Look…” Tina rubbed her arm. “I’m just trying to get through the school day, okay? This town is weird, but I kinda don’t want to die in my teens, if you get what I’m saying. And I don’t know if I’ll even have time for this--”

“It’s okay.” Jonah smiled at her. “I get it.”

“We can sit together at lunch tomorrow, if you want.” Tina shuffled her feet. What was she doing? She’d literally just met this guy, and he’d spent the whole time rattling off crazy conspiracy theories.

And yet, he was the most normal out of everyone here. He noticed things other people didn’t, he actually took her claims seriously, and he was generally a nice person, even if he probably believed in lizardmen and the Illuminati. If Tina was being honest with herself, it was nice to have someone to talk to about Forks and its strange quirks.

“Sure!” Jonah perked up a little at that. “Maybe I can convince you to join  _ then. _ ”

“Whatever.” Jeez, this kid was persistent. “Look, if I see anything  _ weirder than I can handle _ , I’ll come straight to you.”

“Is that an exit line or a promise?”

“It’s a promise.” Tina held out her hand. They shook on it.

“I gotta go to class,” Tina muttered. “Apparently I have...Mr. Next next?”

“Ah, yes, yet another weird teacher,” Jonah sighed with a slight smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said. You don’t have to repeat it back to me.” Tina grabbed the doorknob.

“Okay.” Jonah grinned. “Have fun with... _ Mr. Next. _ ” He shined a flashlight under his face and made his expression as menacing as possible.

Tina groaned and shut the door behind her. 

“Why is everyone in this town LIKE THAT?!” She muttered. She jumped at the sound of footsteps clattering on the floor. She turned around.

“ _ Where have you been _ ?!” Izzy shrieked, stomping towards her. “I have to take you to your next class!”

“Don’t you have a class, like, right now?” Tina raised an eyebrow as Izzy grabbed her wrist and dragged her along, red hair flaring with anger.

“Yes, but my duty in assisting my fellow student always must come first.”

“Excuse me, your  _ what  _ now?” Tina snorted. 

They continued down the hall, chattering and laughing, and the fear from Tina’s encounter with Jacob slowly faded. She thought that was the last strange thing she would see that week. And she was right, in a sense.

The strange thing would happen next Tuesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Yes, I did indeed specifically design him that way.**  
> **Wait, being an omnipotent god-author is a lot of responsibility. What do I do with these characters? With this world? Am I benevolent or cruel? I created them, therefore I can destroy them on a mere whim! With one click, I can change their entire lives however I choose! What have I become?!
> 
> *Available at every Hot Topic in the entire world. Call 1-800-666-BOOO for your creepy decor needs today!
> 
> * Wow Tina are candles not good enough conversationalists for you? Rude.


	4. Car Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina thinks today will be a good day, but some unexpected car trouble ruins her plans.

“You know, I’m kinda starting to get used to this,” Tina said. It was another gray morning, like all the mornings that week. Unlike the other mornings that week, the weather had decided adding a pop of white would mix things up. Snow gently settled on every surface, dusting everything in a thin layer of cold. The cold that morning was a bit of a trickster, you could say, as it had frozen all of the leftover rainwater, causing tires to squeal, stunting the growth of trees, and generally being a huge inconvenience to everyone.

“Tina, this is the first time it has snowed this winter,” Izzy said, her hands tucked into her thick, pink coat adorned with embroidered roses. Her deeper pink scarf blew in the wind.

“I _know that_ !” Tina rolled her eyes. “I meant this _school_.” She scuffed her dark blue boots on the concrete. 

There was a pause. Tina turned to see Izzy grinning the largest grin Tina had ever seen anyone grin, her pink gloved hands tucked under her chin.*

“What?” Tina raised an eyebrow.

“You _liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere_.” Izzy batted her eyelashes and leaned ever closer to Tina.

“No, I’m just getting used to hating everything about this place.”

Izzy sagged. She looked at the concrete. “Really?”

“What?!” Tina sputtered. “I was kidding! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! I like it here! You’re--”

Izzy’s head snapped up. She smirked. “Gotcha.”

“You are the WORST!” Tina’s cheeks went supernova. She punched Izzy’s arm.

“Resorting to violence? Is this how you treat all of your friends?” Izzy feigned indignance, placing one hand on her chest and the other on her forehead in the perfect imitation of a Victorian faint. That was what Ms. Lime said, anyway.

Tina rolled her eyes, but she smiled. “Whatever.”

“I have to go help someone with their math homework. Have fun actually liking Forks!” Izzy shouted as she ran over the crisp snow.

Tina snorted and shook her head. How did Izzy have time for _anything?_

Tina stared at the parking lot, appreciating the soaring pines, the wild deer, the constant drizzle. Izzy was right, she _did_ like it here. She hadn’t quite gotten used to her teachers’...tendencies, but that couldn’t be helped.

Tina was snapped out of her reverie by the screaming of tires. Those tires were attached to a dark blue van spiraling wildly toward an old, rusty-red truck. Between the truck and the van a girl stood, trembling, like a deer caught in the headlights of a fast-approaching car. Tina didn’t even have time to scream a warning.

Then, out of the corner of her eye, Tina saw a familiar gray blur dart over to the girl and slam her to the ground, blood spattering the ice where her head landed. That blur was...Edward Cullen?! Yes, that cinnamon-toast hair, those gray clothes, they were unmistakable! 

The van spun once again, skittering right onto a collision course with the two of them. Tina heard a _crunch_. She flinched, waiting for the horrific imagery that was sure to follow. But, instead of seeing terrible gore, she saw the van pop and settle, a huge dent in its side, and was it hovering? Yes, it was hovering! Lifted by the same blur that knocked the girl to the ground, the van spun in place, crunching and crumbling as it went, finally stopping where the girl had been only seconds ago, letting off thin puffs of steam.*

For a beat, no one spoke. They all stared in awe and horror at Edward, cradling Bella in his arms.

Then, everyone _exploded._ People were screaming “Bella!” and “who was driving that van?!” and “well I didn’t need coffee this morning, I guess!”

Tina just stood and watched. She watched the ambulance wail into the parking lot, the van get pushed out of the way, the girl get strapped onto a stretcher and driven off with a police escort. Most of the students got in their cars and followed the sounds of the sirens, their distressed chatter ringing out into the still air. Others tried to salvage their day, following the teachers gathered outside to their various classes. And, through all the chaos, the four remaining Cullens stood huddled in a tight group, whispering to each other through snarls, thin fingers clenched into thin fists. Tina saw them, after a few minutes of angry deliberation, glide over the snow, float into their car, and speed away down the long, winding road.

 _Oh right, I’m supposed to breathe,_ Tina thought. Her chest began to heave, her breath coming in gasps. Her legs shook. Her sweater, which once had been warm and comforting, was now a straightjacket about a hundred degrees too hot.* The snow was too bright, everything was too loud, her heartbeat was _too fast_. She took one, two, three shaky steps back, before turning on her heel and running to the nearest red brick building. She kicked up a flurry of dirty snow. Everything around her was a blur of white, gray, and red.

Tina sprinted down the dark, empty hallway, splashing through the puddles and skidding on the scattered trash. She threw open the black 666 door. 

“Tina?” Jonah turned from his conspiracy board. “What are you doing here?”

Tina stood panting in the doorway. The candles were blobs of yellow light, swimming through the air.

“So,” _pant_ “I may have” _pant pant_ “encountered something that was” _pant pant_ “weirder than I could handle.” On the last word, Tina collapsed to the cold floor.

She awoke on a Classic Plastic Nurse’s Office Bed™ ten minutes later.*

“Are you okay?” Jonah asked. He was holding a glass of water. 

“Yeah, I...what happened?” Tina blinked a couple times and took the glass with shaky hands.

“Well, you burst through the door, Kool-Aid Man style, made a dramatic declaration, and collapsed to the floor as if you were an 1800s maiden with the Consumption.” Jonah put a hand on her forehead. “Hm, you don’t seem to have a fever...does your head hurt?”

“What? No!” Tina slapped his hand away. “I’m _fine_!”

“Then why did you--”

“I saw _Edward Cullen_ lift a van!” Tina jumped out of bed. “It was going to kill this girl, and he like, threw out his hands in front of it and _lifted it into the air and it crumpled and she would have been dead--*_ ” Tina started to pant again.

“Tina, take a breath,” Jonah said, guiding her to sit back down. “You’ve had a big shock. Have a sip of water, it’ll help.”

Tina gulped down the flavorless, lukewarm water. It splashed in her dry throat.

“Better?” Jonah asked.

“Yeah,” Tina muttered. “Thanks.”

“So, start from the beginning.” Jonah pulled out a pen and paper. “Spare no details.”

“Okay, this is going to sound…” she looked at the cork board, the candles, the windowless walls, and realized clarification wasn’t necessary. “...nevermind. So this girl was outside of her car…” Tina told him everything, from the blood spatters on the black ice to the hushed argument of the Cullen clan. With each detail, Jonah’s scribbling became more and more frantic, his eyes slowly growing to the size of dinner plates.

When she was finished, he stared at her for a solid minute.

“Anything else?” he squeaked.

“That’s everything I remember.” Tina looked at her hands.

Jonah sat back in his chair. “Wow.”

“Yep. So, uh, what do you think of that?” Tina clutched the blanket.

“I think...THIS IS AMAZING!” Jonah's pad and pen went flying. 

Tina met Jonah’s gaze. His eyes were shining. “Really?”

“Are you kidding me? I mean, I’ve been investigating the Cullens for _years_ but nothing like _this_ ever came up! Oh wow! This is the most evidence I’ve ever had! I just wish you had caught it on _video_ \--”

“It happened too fast!” Tina cried. “And someone was gonna _die_ , Jonah.”

Jonah waved it off. “It’s still the most compelling case I’ve had, _ever_. Wow. Wow. WOW! I gotta add more pictures to my cork board!” He wheeled over to the opposite wall, an orange blur.

“Wait, what do I do?” Tina asked.

“Huh?” Jonah looked at her, an eyebrow raised.

“Well, I’m the one who _saw_ it happen, and I’m joining the club, so…”

“WAIT.” Jonah’s face lit up. “You’re joining the club?”

“I mean, yeah.” Tina ruffled her hair. “Is that okay?”

“It’s _more than okay!_ I’ve been wanting another member for _so long_!” Jonah grabbed a tinfoil hat and threw it at Tina. “Here, put this on! It’s how we start the meeting.”

“Don’t we have class?”

“Oh, yeah, that might be a problem...Which teacher do you have?”

“Um...Mr. Schwananana?”

“Him? You think he’ll notice?” Jonah snorted. “Please. He’s so into the drama of his lectures, he doesn’t even take attendance half the time.”

“What about you?” Tina raised her eyebrows. “Who do you have?”

“The one who dresses like a priest and calls birds agents of Satan. I’ll be fine.” Jonah secured his tinfoil hat to his head. His hat, of course, had been painted bright orange.

Tina shrugged and put on her plain silver tinfoil hat. “What do you need me to do?”

“I need more information.” Jonah started tacking his notes to the cork board and connecting them with pieces of red string. “The stuff you found out today is great, but I can’t see how it connects together. Like, I know the Cullens are weird, but how is their weirdness connected to the town’s?” He rubbed his hands together. “That’s where _you_ come in.”

“How?” Tina shifted in her seat.

“You’re going to be the one asking the questions.” Jonah grinned.

“I thought you were doing that. Isn’t that the whole point of your club?”

“No, I mean you’ll _literally_ be asking the questions.” Jonah sighed. “You’ll go around, investigating the stuff that’s happening, gathering as much information from the other students as you can. You might even talk to the Cullens!”

“Yeah, I’m not sure that’s gonna fly. The Cullens seem to think they’re too good for us lowly Earthlings.” Tina rolled her eyes. “Besides, why do you need _me?_ ”

“People know who I am.”

“Ouch.”

“No, it’s a good thing! You’re the new kid, so you’ll have an excuse to ask questions.”

“And what if the Cullens are dangerous and I make them mad?” Tina asked.

“That’s why we need two people for this job.” Jonah looked at Tina. “If you’re in danger, call me. I can even figure out a way for you to wear a wire, in case things get dicey and you can’t reach your phone.”

“Whoa, a _wire_?” Tina’s eyebrows shot up. “That’s crazy. This is crazy.”

“Crazier than someone lifting a car with one hand?” 

Tina paused. He had a point there.

“Okay, how about this.” Jonah wheeled over to Tina. “If anything gets too crazy or scary for you, you can back out, no strings attached. I’ll forget the whole thing. Does that sound fair?”

Another pause.

“Fine, I’m in,” Tina muttered. “But if I get murdered I’ll _kill you_.”

Jonah smiled. “Great! Let’s get started.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *"No more rhyming, I mean it!" "Anybody want a peanut?"
> 
> *Only to be attempted by supernatural creatures and phenomena. Don't try this at home, kids!
> 
> *Ah yes, Sudden Clothing Tightness Syndrome. A plague on the fashion of young people everywhere. If your clothes suddenly become agents of strangulation, call your local practitioner or hippie magic person to see if their treatments are right for you.
> 
> *Yes, a Classic Plastic Nurse’s Office Bed™ was indeed purchased and kept in Room 666. After about the third time someone got a concussion from falling on the floor during an Occult Club ritual, they decided that people should probably lie down when trying to summon Lucifer.
> 
> *Take a shot every time someone speaks in Italics.


	5. Woody Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina befriends mysterious emo kid Cass and crew, and has an eventful hike in the woods.

“Are you  _ sure  _ about this?” Tina whispered into her shirt. Why was she whispering into a piece of clothing that couldn’t respond, you ask? Because there was a wire attached to it. The purple flannel shirt had a tiny yellow star* on the front pocket that was actually a mic. Jonah had ordered it as soon as they came up with the plan, but by the time it had arrived and been set up properly, the snow had melted and rain pounded the windows once again.

There was no response from her shirt. Just crackling.

“Oh, right, I can’t hear you. Ha. Finally.” Tina smirked.

More crackling. Tina knew Jonah had some sort of witty remark.*

“‘Sup, Tina.” Cass opened the locker next to hers and pulled out a black notebook with a skull on it. His black shirt had yet another obscure band, and his checkered pants made Tina dizzy. 

“What?! Nothing! Why would anything be ‘up?’ I’m certainly having a normal day like everyone else!” Tina went beetroot red and started to sweat.*

“Okay?” Cass raised an eyebrow.

Tina cleared her throat. “Sorry, just nervous about…”  _ think of something _ “...Mr. Jones’ class. You know, I can never understand anything he says. Excuse me, uh, bongos.”

“Really?” Cass closed his locker door. “I’ve always been able to tell.”

“How? All he does is play the  _ bongos _ .”

Cass shrugged. “Facial expressions, I guess. Also the notes on the board help.”

A lightbulb went off in Tina’s head. “Hey, Cass?”

“Hm?” He thumbed through his notebook.

“Can you be my interpreter? I’m  _ super  _ behind because of the whole bongo thing.”

“Sure.” Cass closed his locker door. “C’mon.”

“Really?” Tina clutched her book and followed him. “You don’t have to if you’re busy.”

“Eh, it’s not hard, I’m ahead in the class.” Cass waved to their teacher as they walked through the numberless door. “Plus, Mr. Jones likes me. Isn’t that right?” Cass grinned.

_ Bongo bongo _ , went Mr. Jones.

“Hey, I’m gonna interpret for Tina, is that cool?”

_ Bongo bongo bongo bongo, bongo bongo bongo bongo bongo bongo bongo.* _

“Thanks. Don’t worry, I won’t.” Cass smirked. “Oh, by the way, this is Tina, in case you didn’t know.”

“Hi,” Tina whispered. She waved with a small flick of her fingers. She imagined Jonah was rolling his eyes. In fact, as soon as she got to her desk, her phone dinged with a message from him.

_ What are you doing?!  _ It said.  _ You’re supposed to be looking for answers! _

_ Cass is a local, _ Tina typed back.  _ Besides, I’ll stick out more if I’m a loner, right? And I need to pass this class, so stop texting me before I get caught. _

_ Fine.  _

The rest of the class bongoed away, with Cass writing notes for him and Tina to share. The rain downgraded from a pour to a drizzle. People asked questions, Mr. Jones bongoed in response, and the students said “ooh!” or “yeah, that makes sense.” 

When the bell finally rang, Tina followed Cass to the cafeteria. Hat and Indigo waved him over to a table by one of the windows. Or rather, Hat waved him over. Indigo was hyper focused on a drawing of a raven. Hat’s hat was cherry red instead of neon green today, with his hair dyed to match. Indigo had a black trench coat on, truly looking like the detective Tina was trying to be.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Cass sat down with his emo lunch box and pulled out his emo lunch.

“Not much,” Hat said, eating his extremely bright fruit salad. “We were just planning a hike on a cute trail in the woods this weekend. It’s supposed to be sunny, for once. You in?”

“Sure.” Cass took a bite of his sandwich, which he had somehow dyed black. “Do you wanna come, Tina?”

“What? Me?” Tina started.

“Who else is named Tina at this school? Seriously, your name is like, jarringly normal.”

“Wait what?” Tina raised her eyebrows. “Like, I know Hat is a weird name, no offense--”

“None taken.” Hat winked at her.

“--but Cass and Indigo are  _ relatively common  _ names.” 

“Not really. Indigo’s full name is Indigo Child--”

“You should meet my sister, Crystal.” Indigo smirked, not looking up from her art.*

“And my name is short for...” Cass did jazz hands, “... _ Caaaash Moneeeeeeey _ .”

Tina snorted. “Yeah, of course it is.”

“You’re...not as surprised as I thought you’d be.” Cass’ jazz hands sagged.

“Nothing in Forks surprises me anymore.” Tina clasped her hands. “Plus, my  _ full  _ name is Tina Garbage, so I can’t really talk.”

“Tina Garbage? That kinda has a nice rhythm to it!” Hat’s eyes sparkled. 

“Yep. I come from a Garbage family. We live in the Garbage disposal.”

The entire table froze.

“Not literally!” Tina’s eyes widened. She flapped her hands. “We just call it that as a joke.”

“Ooooooooh,” the other three chorused in unison.

“So, then,” Cass said, “you wanna leave the Garbage Disposal for a couple hours?”

“You’re all okay with it?” 

“Yeah!” Hat bounced in his seat.

“Whatever.” Indigo kept drawing.

“I invited you, so…” Cass looked at Tina.

“Okay then.” Tina nodded. “Can I have directions? Or like, a location?”

“The woods.”

“Forks is literally eighty percent woods, Cass. You’re going to have to be more specific.” Tina rolled her eyes.*

“Oh. Right. Look, we'll just pick you up. Be at the end of your driveway at 8:00.”

That Saturday turned out to actually be sunny. Who knew. Tina climbed into a sleek black truck, dragging her backpack behind her. She had her phone on and in her pocket, with Jonah on speed dial, just in case. Indigo stared straight ahead from the driver’s seat, with Hat riding shotgun and Cass curled up in the back.

“Wow, this is a nice truck.” Tina squeezed into one of the tiny seats in the back. 

“Yeah, it’s Indigo’s!” Hat squeaked. “She did such a  _ great job  _ fixing it! She bought it at an old junkyard a few years ago and replaced all the parts herself! Isn’t that awesome?!”

Indigo merely grunted and shifted the truck into drive. Hat chatted more than enough for the both of them as they wound down the winding road. Tina stared out of the window, watching the world pass by. The trees were columns to the roof of the world. Leaves drifted gently down in the filtered sunshine. Birds flitted from tree to tree, using their song to flirt, yell for attention, and fight over who had the legal rights to their branch. 

Indigo pulled the truck up to what appeared to be a random spot at the edge of the forest. Upon closer look, however, Tina could see a tiny trail of soft grass, surrounded by mushrooms and smooth rocks. 

“After you, Tina Garbage.” Cass smiled, a wicked look in his eye.

Tina stepped back. “That was ominous.”

“What?! Oh God, sorry! That wasn’t on purpose.” Cass blushed and ran his fingers through his hair. He cleared his throat, stood up straight, and snapped his fingers. Hat ran up behind him and threw glitter into the air.

“After you, my lady,” Cass crooned, his voice low and melodious, as if he were the Required Love Interest™ in an anime.*

“That was WORSE!” Tina fanned her face and wrinkled her nose.* She stormed ahead into the woods, muttering her usual spiel about how “everyone in Forks is the worst,” and “why is this town so weird,” and "why did I even agree to this?!”

The four of them trudged over the flat forest floor at their various gaits, climbing over fallen trees, sweeping through ferns, and tripping over rocks. Indigo stopped and stared at every single bird, while Hat bounced up behind her and rambled on with various facts he knew about that bird, and then facts about other birds like that bird, and then tangents related to  _ those  _ facts about birds. Indigo listened and nodded, a slight smile on her face. Cass walked ahead, hands in his pockets, humming a low tune Tina knew sounded familiar, but couldn’t place.

“Well, here we are,” Cass said, after hours and hours of talking, laughing, humming, and the occasional imitation of bird calls. He gestured to a tiny, tiny clearing of yellow-green grass, dotted with purple, blue, and white wildflowers. The cool breeze wafted on Tina's cheeks under the bright blue sky, which was half taken up by gray-and white clouds. A single butterfly fluttered over to a flower and settled on it, completing the most idealistic setting Tina had ever seen.

“Wow…” Tina breathed.

“Nice, right?” Hat stood on his toes. “We found it last year. No one seems to know it’s here, which is weird. More for us though, right?” He ran forward and threw himself on his back, sinking into the puffy grass. 

Indigo walked into the clearing with light footsteps. She sat in the grass next to Hat and pulled out a sketchbook. Looking at the butterfly, briefly startled off of the flower by Hat, she started to draw. Cass and Tina sat down on the other side of Hat. Cass pulled out a container of black spaghetti, Hat crunched on colorful sweet potato chips. Indigo opened a brown sandwich bag.

“What do you have today, Indigo?” Hat asked.

“The souls of the innocent,” Indigo growled, showing her teeth. Her eyes were concealed in shadow.

Tina stared at her, wide-eyed.

“I’m kidding, it’s a bagel.” Indigo took a bite of what was, indeed, a regular bagel. 

“Did you bring a bagel just for that joke?” Tina squinted at Indigo.

“Yep.” Indigo continued to chew. The other three laughed.

Their little picnic continued, with each person eating their...unique food choices. The four of them gazed at the clouds, complained about their various school assignments, clamored to see what Indigo was drawing in her sketchbook (she took various yoga positions in order to hide it), watched Hat perform a medley of musical theater songs, and asked Tina all sorts of questions about Colorado and what it was like compared to Forks.

“Really different.” Tina gazed at the grass swaying in the wind. 

“Like how different?” Hat plucked a wildflower and tucked it in his hat.

“Well, for one, the buildings have numbers--”

“Really? Wow, what a concept.” Cass snorted.

“--and, for two, there are no families who don’t eat and have literal weapons break on contact with them.”

“You’re talking about the Cullens, aren’t you?” Indigo sighed. 

“Wow, how did you know?” Tina’s voice was flat.

“They’re literally the most talked-about people at school,” Indigo sighed. “Why does everyone like them so much, anyway? They don’t even  _ do  _ anything.”

“I mean…” Hat blushed and looked at his hands.

“What?” Tina tilted her head.

“Nothing!” Hat’s cheeks went a deeper shade of scarlet.

“Hat has a crush on Jasper.” Cass smirked at Hat.

“What?! No I don’t--Edward’s cuter--WAIT NO YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT!” Hat put his head in his hands.

Cass and Tina laughed. Indigo frowned and said nothing.

“Anyway, he doesn’t like  _ me _ ! He’s dating that new girl, Bella!” Hat slumped until he looked like a cherry red blob. “ _ I’ve  _ been trying to get his attention for  _ six months _ and he goes away for a weekend with the new girl and  _ suddenly _ \--”

“Wait, he’s  _ dating  _ that girl?” Tina jumped up. “Are you sure?”

“I mean, they’ve literally been having will-they-won’t-they conversations in the middle of the hallway, very loudly, so yeah I’m pretty sure.”

Indigo groaned.

“I know, right? And straight people say  _ we  _ shove it in their face. Just because I  _ tell you I’m bisexual  _ doesn’t mean I’m  _ forcing the gay agenda onto you, Jared _ .” Hat rolled his eyes.

Tina’s mind was racing.  _ Edward was dating this girl? They went away for the weekend? What happened? What did he want with her? He doesn’t talk to anyone, why her?  _

_ What was he going to do with her? _

As if on cue, Tina saw Bella and Edward coming up the path.

“Shit!” Tina stuffed her things back in her bag, frantic. “We have to get out of here!”

“What? Why?” Hat stood.

“She’s right.” Cass sprang up. He looked into the woods, back straight, jaw clenched. “We have to go.”

“Really? We’ve only--”

“Just do it! Please!” Tina grabbed Hat’s pack and shoved it in his hands. Indigo shrugged and picked up her stuff. The four of them sprinted out of the clearing.

Tina ducked behind a tree. “Go back to the car.”

“We’re not gonna leave you here!” Cass grabbed her arm and pulled.

“Yeah, I wanna see!” Hat stood behind Tina.

“No, we should all  _ go _ .” Cass ran a hand through his hair. “We’re going to--”

“Shhhhhh!” Tina waved a hand in Cass’ face. “They’ll  _ see  _ us!”

The four of them watched with bated breath as Edward and Bella stood in the shadow of the trees, mumbling. Bella watched Edward with wide, doe-like eyes, as he fixated on her face. Edward walked backward, step by step, until he was completely bathed in the sunlight.

And that was when the four teens saw something they would never, ever forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *As do ninety-nine percent of her other clothes in this story.
> 
> *Tina was wrong. Jonah, at the moment, had spilled hot jasmine tea on his lap, and was currently screaming at the top of his lungs.
> 
> *Oh my God, Tina, you are going to get caught so fast.
> 
> *I'm not going to translate for you. Just put whatever fits into the number and rhythm of the bongos. You can imagine him bongoing anything. Freeing, isn't it?
> 
> *"Yer an Indigo Child, Harry." "I'm a wot?"
> 
> *Which Jonah was also doing. Seriously, why did he have to hear this?
> 
> *Cass is the Emo Bad Boy type with a soft heart opened only by you, the anime protagonist. Come to the Ouran High School Host Club to find out what secrets he is hiding...
> 
> *"God, Cass, I'm gay!"


	6. Sparkly Sparkly Gloom Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After seeing a truly dazzling sight, the four teens try to figure out what to do next.

“Is...is he _sparkling?_ ”

He was, indeed, sparkling. Edward’s skin was covered in a million pinpricks of light, each one a different dazzling color.* Bella squinted trying to stare at him. Through her own squint, Tina saw Edward’s ever-present smirk. She saw Bella walk up to him and take his hand. She wasn’t sparkling, so this couldn’t be a trick of the sunlight. The two of them lay in the grass, Edward’s shirt slightly open,* Bella curled up to face him.

Without thinking, Tina lifted her phone and snapped a picture. 

_Jonah,_ Tina typed into her phone, _I just saw something BIG. Meet me at the school in ten minutes._

 _Ok. What is it?_ Jonah’s speech bubbles popped up immediately.

 _I’ll tell you when I get there.*_ Tina shoved her phone back into her bag and grabbed Cass’ arm. “C’mon,” she hissed.

Cass couldn't get out of there fast enough. He grabbed Hat’s arm, who in turn grabbed Indigo’s, and, in unison, the four of them slid back into the shadows of the forest. Their feet barely touched the forest floor, careful not to disturb any leaf, any bird, any inconvenient twig. 

As soon as they were sure Bella and Edward were out of earshot, the four of them broke into a run. Branches whipped their faces and rocks rolled* under their feet. They didn’t stop to breathe until they finally reached the safety of Indigo’s truck and she shoved the key in the ignition.

“Drive to the school,” Tina panted. Indigo did as she instructed, zooming past the trees.*

“What _was_ that?” Hat held his hat to his chest. “Did he have, like, body glitter or something?”

“No _way_ that was body glitter.” Indigo kept her eyes on the road. “It doesn’t look like that. His actual _skin_ was sparkling.” The car screeched past a very startled deer.

“How do you know that?” Cass raised his eyebrows.

“I’m wearing body glitter right now.” Indigo pulled back her sleeve to reveal indigo sparkles.

“Huh. Okay.” 

"What? I like to add a little sparkle into my day." Indigo's voice was as deadpan as ever.

Tina fumbled with her sweater edge, looking out of the rear window, waiting to see if a glittering, inhumanly fast figure would be tearing down the road behind them like a Roadrunner cartoon.

“Look, even if this is something weird, do we _need_ to get involved?” Cass rubbed the back of his neck. “Is it even our business? Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, go home and make a pact never to tell anyone about this like normal people do?”

“Cass, _no!_ I saw him _lift a car!_ ” Tina snapped her gaze to Cass. “This is something _big_ . We _have_ to investigate it. And I know _just the person_ to go to!”

“Who? Oh, _no,_ not that _Jonah_ kid!” Cass sunk down in his seat. “Really?"

“Cass, he’s _right_. Something is going on.” Tina’s nostrils flared. “Why are you being so weird about this?!”

“Yeah, this isn’t like you.” Hat turned around, concern furrowing his brows. “You’re usually chill with, like, everything.”

“That’s because _everything_ isn’t usually _wild conspiracy theories!_ ” Cass threw his arms in the air. “Have you had _one conversation_ with this guy?! You say any word with a ‘t’ in it and he starts relating it back to the Illuminati! Are you _actually taking him seriously_?!”

“Yes, I am.” Tina glared at Cass. “I think he’s right, and I think we just saw some proof.”

“She’s right,” Indigo said. The entire car paused and looked at her.

“What? There’s something weird going on. We gotta check it out.” Indigo grinned in the rearview mirror.*

“Are you serious?” Cass’ eyes were practically about to pop out of his head. 

The other three nodded in unison.

Cass sighed. “Fine. Just, drop me off at my house before you all go nuts.”

The three of them raised their eyebrows. Cass glared out of the window and said nothing, in true Emo Anime Boy fashion.

A half an hour later, Tina once again burst through the room 666 door, this time with Indigo and Hat in tow.

“JONAH, YOU WERE RIGHT!” Tina yelled. “EDWARD’S A FAIRY!”

“Okay, first, _loud_ ,” Jonah said, “and second, are you from the 1980s or something? That term hasn’t been cool for like, ten years now--”

“No, no, I mean a _literal fairy._ ” Tina flapped her hands. “He SPARKLES in the sunlight! I saw him! He was talking to that girl with the permanent bitch face! You know her?”

“Of course I do, her name is Bella. She’s really popular around here.” Jonah sipped his tea.

“What?! Why is everyone in this town obsessed with random strangers? Jesus Christ!” Tina ran to Jonah’s laptop and flipped it open, plugging in her phone and downloading the photos. She activated the printer.

“Says the girl who just screamed about Edward’s oh-so-sparkly skin. You’re not any different from us, Tina.”

He had a point. 

“Who are these two?” Jonah wheeled over to inspect Indigo and Hat.

“THERE’S NO TIIIIIIIIIIME.” Tina yanked her photos out of the printer tray and ran to the conspiracy board.

“Hey, I’m Hat and this is Indigo.”

“Pleasure.” Jonah turned to Tina. “Careful with the string.”

“Uh-huh.” Tina continued to yank the string way too fast, ripping strands as she went.*

“So, what happened?” Jonah wheeled over to the board, gesturing at Hat and Indigo to take a seat. Hat plopped right down on the floor. Indigo chose to lurk silently by the candles with her hood over her head.

“We saw Edward in the sunlight. He sparkles for some reason.” Hat took his jacket off.

“Yeah, I got that, but like, _what happened_?”

“Well…” Hat explained everything, from the tripping over rocks to the smug look on Edward’s face as he stepped into the sun. As he talked, Tina whipped from the board to the printer, yelling “aha!” every time she completed something.

Jonah stared at Hat. 

“Oh, and we’re _sure_ it’s not body glitter.” Hat’s finger bounced. “We checked.”

“That’s...not what I expected.” Jonah stroked his chin. 

“And, _and_ we have _proof!_ ” Tina yanked the photo she had taken of Edward off the cork board and shoved it into Jonah’s hands.

“Wow, he really has a glow.” Jonah examined the photo. 

“How are you so calm about this?!” Tina was practically vibrating.

“I’ve lived in Forks for three years. You get used to it.” Jonah squinted. “What does this mean?”

“It means he’s magical or something!” 

“Yeah, but what _kind_ of magical? Is he ethereal? Occult? Reptilian?*”

“I’m sorry, what? Reptilian?” Tina looked at Jonah.

“You know, like lizardmen? Not like, the antisemitic code where ‘lizards’ mean ‘Jewish people,’ I mean _actual_ lizardmen. They could also be aliens, it’s one of the theories I have rolling around…”

“They’re not lizards, their skin was smooth,” Hat piped up through a mouthful of chips. Indigo's black hood bobbed.

“You’re right, we need more information.” Jonah wheeled over to the board and put the photo back in place. “You need to start talking to the Cullens, Tina.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve been really nervous!” Tina stomped her foot. “I can’t just _suddenly go and sit with the Cullens_ ! They hate _everybody_!”

“They don’t hate _everybody._ ” Indigo’s quiet voice rang out in the dark room.

“What?” Tina looked at Indigo.

“They don’t hate one person here.” Indigo extended her arm and pointed one finger straight at Hat.

Tina and Jonah stared at Hat. He had crumbs on his shirt.

“What?” Hat asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was late! I had some personal stuff come up this week which made writing a little difficult, but I'm back!
> 
> *Plot twist: Edward's been a disco ball all along! Surprise!
> 
> *It's important because by exposing his chest he's exposing his heart, see, it's a metaphor for being vulnerable, you see, because--
> 
> *Guess you gotta by cryptic when hunting for cryptids. Who knew.
> 
> *It was time for them to...ROCK AND ROLL!!! (I'm so sorry.)
> 
> *Driver brain: okay we have to be safe and go the speed limit.  
> Goblin brain: haha car go NYOOM
> 
> *Indigo is having the time of her life right now.
> 
> *"TIIIIIINAAAAAAAA THAT'S SPECIAL CONSPIRACY BOARD STRING IT COST 50 DOOOOOOOLLARS!"
> 
> *Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?


	7. One Rainy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina has an encounter with a new girl in town.

The next day was another rainy Forks Sunday. The thunder rang out over the trees and lightning flashed as Tina sat on her bed, next to a long window, beneath glowing fairy lights, snuggled under constellation covers.

Actually, that’s what she  _ wished  _ she was doing. At the moment, she was stuck taking a walk in the pouring rain, with shivers running up her spine and pieces of her hair stuck to her face.

“ _ Why  _ are we outside again?” Tina asked, turning to her dad.

“It’s pretty in the clearing!” Her dad replied. “Besides, you would have a much better time if you just  _ got under the umbrella _ .”

Tina glared at the purple polka-dotted umbrella her dad and Krista were tucked under. “It’s too late anyway,” she grumbled. She stormed further into the clearing. “Isn’t there a thunderstorm today or something?”

“It’s over town, we’ll be fine! I’ve been looking forward to seeing this clearing all week!” Tina’s dad flapped his hands. 

Tina looked at Krista, her eyebrows raised. Krista shrugged. 

Her dad was right about one thing: the clearing was beautiful. Mountains soared into the sky and faded into the gray clouds. Sentries of pine trees surrounded the clearing, moss covered boulders littered the eye-watering green grass. The rain accentuated the clearing’s beauty, giving an atmosphere similar to that of the highlands of Ireland, or Scotland, or Cleveland.*

The family of three continued on their walk, Krista and her dad laughing and talking. Tina didn’t join in. She trudged through puddles, eyebrows furrowed, lost in her thoughts.

Her broody walk* was interrupted by a crack of thunder, but like, a  _ huge  _ CRACK of thunder. It slammed into Tina’s eardrums and shook the treetops. Tina squeaked like a little mole and ran under the umbrella, hiding behind her dad. 

“Oh, no!” Her dad’s face fell. “I guess we have to go back to the car.”

“I’m not complaining.” Tina wiped her nose with her sleeve. The three of them sprinted back to the car and yanked the doors open. Krista and their dad jumped into the car, but Tina was stopped by another CRACK of thunder. This time, it was accompanied by the dimmest flash of lightning she had ever seen. And streaking across that dim flash was the silhouette of a person, ten feet in the air, holding a bat, black against the white sky.* 

Tina gasped and fumbled with her phone. She tried to catch a photo, but it was too blurry. The man was moving...too fast. She would have to get closer.*

Tina knew she should have gotten in the car, that she should curl up in the warm backseat and forget the whole thing, that going out into a raging thunderstorm just to see some random guy play baseball was possibly the stupidest activity she could think of, but she couldn’t help herself. Tina ran away from the car, away from the protests of Krista and her dad. As water pooled into her boots, she wondered whether this was the healthiest thing to be doing.*

_ Isn’t this getting a little out of hand?  _ Tina thought.  _ Like, I know this whole thing is weird, but maybe walking into a thunderstorm for the sake of some kid’s conspiracy theories is going too far.  _

It was a little late to be having second thoughts, but at least she was having them.

Yet another CRACK caused stars to burst behind her eyes. She stopped up short and looked directly ahead. Her jaw dropped.

The Cullen clan flew through the air, hitting baseballs with the force of a car. They taunted each other, blurred from base to base, threw the ball so hard it looked like a shooting star. Tina dove behind a rock and watched Edward score a home run.

Rosalie threw down her bat. It shattered into splinters. "You  _ cheated _ !"

"No, you're just a sore loser." Edward snickered and high-fived Jasper.

"I knew that would happen!" Alice smiled and bounced on the balls of her feet.

"Not all of us have  _ future-seeing powers _ !" Rosalie yelled, stomping her feet.

Edward smirked and walked across the clearing, over to Carlisle, and...was that Bella?! What was  _ she  _ doing here?!

Edward took Bella's hand. She looked into his eyes.

_ Oh no _ , Tina thought.

They were too far away to hear, but Tina saw Bella bit her lip and mumble something. Edward cupped her face in his hands, looking at her the way Tina’s cat looked at a bowl of kibble.*

Tina rolled her eyes.

Alice tensed. She ran across the field and started talking to the others, her movements frantic, her eyes wide. Tina could only hear snippets like "how many?" "why are they coming?" and "are you sure?" She saw the Cullens disperse and get back to their game, their movements more akin to pantomime than sport.

Three people emerged into the clearing, each one having a distinct look about them. All of them were marblesque, like the Cullens, with the same smooth movements and spindly fingers. The similarities ended there. Their clothes were shredded and dirty, their eyes were a deep red, and they did a kind of crouch-walk, as if they were hunchbacks whose hunches had mysteriously gone missing that morning. They crouched in a v-formation, keeping a dark-haired, broad, olive-skinned man in the front. The two people flanking him were a pale man with light brown hair and long arms, and a young woman with leaves tangled in a stream of long, red hair. The red-haired woman was by far the most interesting of the three. Her eyes darted from person to person, her nostrils flared, her hands curled into claws. She scrutinized every detail, from the trees, to the grass, to the rain.

The redhead's eyes widened as they landed on Tina's boulder. Her mouth curled into a thin line.* Tina whipped around and pressed her back against the wet moss, panting, and  _ prayed _ the woman wouldn't see her. 

The olive-skinned man started talking to what sounded like Carlisle. She heard the other Cullens and red-eyed man interject, but could only pick out the words "hunting," "Seattle," "invitation," and "a  _ human _ ?!" She heard hissing, snarling, shouting, the dragging and stamping of feet as the...whatever they were emptied out of the clearing, leaving only a broken baseball bat behind.

Tina sagged against the rock. She let the rain fall on her face. Her hands clutched the grass.

"TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Someone yelled from the other end of the clearing. Tina saw Kristina bounding over the grass, her father close behind. They knelt on either side of her.

"Are you okay?!" Her dad clutched her shoulder. "What happened, Tina?!"

"Nothing, I'm fine!" Tina struggled to her feet, leaning on her father for support. "I just got spooked, that's all."

"And you ran  _ away _ from the car?" Krista raised an eyebrow.

"Uh--"

"Krista! She just had a shock. People react very differently to fear, you know." Tina's dad opened the umbrella and held it over them. "We need to get you home and out of these wet clothes." They started to walk across the green. "I'll make hot chocolate."

"Thanks." Tina's voice was barely a whisper.

"No problem, kiddo." He ruffled her hair. "Sorry about the walk. I didn't know you'd be scared like that."

"It's okay, Dad. I'm okay." Tina smiled.

And she was okay, in the moment. She leaned on her dad's shoulder, unhurt, not knowing about the deep scarlet eyes that were watching her leave, the red lips stretched in a grin around white teeth, the spindled fingers clenched into a delighted fist.

She didn’t know someone would have fun making sure the moment wouldn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright everyone,  
> So my schedule got more full. Don't worry, I'm not going to stop writing! I'm just going to update Tuesdays instead of Mondays. Thank you for your patience!  
> Anyway, BACK TO BUSINESS.
> 
> *That's why people go to Cleveland, right? For the rolling misty hills?
> 
> *As every hero must do at some point in the story.
> 
> *Ah yes, Baseball Man strikes again.
> 
> *Oh, look, a UFO! Grab the worst camera we own!
> 
> *Of course it is! Haven't you heard of the latest fitness regiment, RainRunning? Shivering burns calories and you stay hydrated with rainwater!
> 
> *GOD GET A ROOM.
> 
> *She just saw a Boulder Snake! Run, you fool!


	8. Dayquil and a Day Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina's cold can't get in the way of justice.

“Tina? Tina!” Izzy snapped her fingers in front of Tina’s face. 

“Ah, sorry,” Tina sniffled. 

“Are you all right?”

“Mfine.” Tina wiped her nose on her sleeve.*

Izzy wrinkled her nose. “You don’t  _ seem  _ fine.”

“It’s just a cold, I can deal with it.” Tina dragged her feet down the hall. Her books were a thousand pounds in her arms, her backpack seemed to be magnetically attracted to the floor.* “See? Mmmmgreat.” 

“You’re walking like your pants weigh a hundred pounds. You should go home.”

“Isn’t education important or someth--” Tina’s knees buckled. She slumped onto Izzy, whose shoulder dug into her like a knife.

“Yep, you’re going home  _ now _ .” Izzy put an arm under hers and marched over the squelching ground.

Tina let out a few feeble objections as she sat on the hard blue plastic nurse chair,* the nurse put a thermometer in her mouth, her dad was called on the off-white telephone from 1993, and Izzy loaded her into a small blue car.

“You can stop protesting now.” Izzy pulled out of the parking lot. “We’re leaving.”

“They let y-you go?” Tina shivered in the passenger seat.

“When you’re the captain of every club at school, you get away with quite a lot.*” Izzy kept her eyes on the road. Her green nails pittered on the steering wheel.

“Is there something you wanna tell me?” Tina blew her nose.

“Hm? Not really.” Izzy made the turn out of town.

“Okay.” Tina curled into her seat and closed her eyes.

Izzy kept drawing in a breath, then hesitating, then muttering “nevermind.” Tina tried to ignore her and go to sleep, but the hiss of Izzy’s breath dug its way into her eardrums and left a very passive aggressive imprint.

“Seriously, what is it?” Tina didn’t lift her head or open her eyes. Instead, she opted to mumble into her sweater.*

“It’s just--you’ve been really, well,  _ distant _ , and nervous all the time, and you don’t seem well, and I’m worried about you.” A slight redness crept up Izzy’s cheeks.

“Awwwwww you  _ caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare _ .” Tina looked at Izzy and wiggled like a worm, if that worm had arms.*

“What?! I wasn’t ever  _ hiding  _ that!” Izzy’s face went supernova.

“He he he.” Tina slumped out of her seatbelt and curled up on the floor.

“Is this what you’re  _ always  _ like when you’re sick?”

“It’s very small down here. And hot. It is very hot.” Tina crawled back into her seat.

Izzy sighed. “Just, promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Uh-huh. I’m gonna--I’m gonna--take a nap.” Tina’s head hit the dashboard.*

“CHRIST.”

The next thing Tina knew, she was on her couch. A flannel blanket had been draped over her, and a flowered pillow had been tucked under her head. The scent of soup tickled her nose. Well, it  _ would  _ have tickled her nose, if her head wasn’t completely filled with concrete. 

“Ugh.” Tina tried to sit up, but her stupid head stayed glued to the pillow.

“Oh, good, you’re not dead.” Izzy sat at the kitchen table, a novel open in front of her. 

“I’m not?” Tina squinted at her feet. “I feel dead.”

“You just have a  _ cold _ . And car dust. So much car dust.*” Izzy sighed. “I swear, keeping you off the floor should count as a P. E. elective.”

“Ha ha.” Tina stretched her arms out and picked up the soup bowl. She sloshed a tiny bit of it on the floor. A single black ant* immediately began having a feast.

Tina’s phone buzzed and practically jumped out of her pocket. Tina practically jumped out of her skin. She put it to her ear.

“Hello?”

“TINA WE HAVE TO GO NOW!” Hat’s voice screamed from the receiver.

“What? Why?”

“You know how Bella wasn’t at school yesterday?” His words were blending together. “I texted Jasper to see if he wanted to hang out and  _ he  _ said that he and his family had brought Bella on a trip and--” Hat gulped for air “--and they were in Phoenix and that they wouldn’t be back and Jonah said we should follow them  _ right now! _ ” 

“Jasper told you all that?” Tina finally dragged her head off the pillow and staggered to her feet.

“Yeah he texted me like, three paragraphs about it. And a poem.”

“Uh, okay, I guess I’ll take some Dayquil. Can you pick me up?” Tina put a hand to her pounding head.

“Wait, hold on!” Izzy leapt over to Tina. 

“I’ll see you in fifteen.” Tina turned away from Izzy. Izzy was not deterred. She started flapping her arms over Tina, trying to grab her phone. 

“Hey, stop it!” Tina stretched out as far as she could, but Izzy was _at least_ six inches taller than her . Tina gave up trying to fight and instead ran to the opposite corner of the room. 

“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Hat asked.

“Yep, I’m fine!” Tina yelped as Izzy’s feet pounded on the floor. The white countertop dug into her back. Her eyes darted on either side of Izzy, searching for an exit. There was no way out, except…

Tina scrambled onto the counter, knocking over several spice jars and a very surprised spider. She ran one way, then the other, Izzy following the whole time. 

“How are you this  _ fast  _ when you’re  _ sick?!”  _ Izzy panted.

“HA!” Tina laughed. She was free! She was--

On the floor. She was on the cold, cold floor, with Izzy gripping her left ankle. Her phone flew through the air and did a perfect loop-de-loop into Izzy’s other hand.

“No...betrayal…”Tina groaned.

“Hi Hat? This is Izzy.” Izzy shushed Tina, who stuck her tongue out. Izzy rolled her eyes. “What’s going on?”

Tina didn’t hear much of their conversation. All she knew was Izzy’s face was getting redder and redder and her frown deeper and deeper. Her teeth were almost cracking by the time she said “goodbye.”

“You...were going...to Phoenix?” Izzy’s eye twitched.

“...No?” Tina’s voice was about five octaves too high.

“YOU HAVE A COLD!” Izzy’s voice shattered Tina’s eardrums, rather like an opera singer could shatter a window. “AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR FOOD? AND LODGING? AND HOMEWORK? YOU CAN’T JUST  _ LEAVE _ !” 

“I, uh--”

“AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD, HUH?! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM?!” Izzy’s eyes were about to pop out of her head.

“I don’t know! I found out about this like ten minutes ago!” Tina yanked herself off the floor and shoved granola bars into her bag.* 

Izzy pinched her nose and took three huge, gulping breaths. Tina wondered if she would pass out. That would get rid of one of her problems.

After thirty agonizing seconds, Izzy straightened up and smoothed her hair. She looked at Tina. Tina stared at Izzy, hefting her bag in case she needed a weapon.

"Oh don't do _that_ , I'm not going to _force_ you to stay." Izzy walked over to Tina.

Tina doubted that. "Really?" 

"No. I'm coming with you." Izzy took a thermos out of the cabinet and poured the soup into it.

"What? Why?" Tina's eyebrows shot up her forehead.

"You're sick! You need someone to take care of you. And Hat certainly isn't going to." She pulled out her wallet. "Let's see...I think with this money we can get a decent room..."

"Wait, you were just yelling at me not to leave three seconds ago!" Tina shook her head. Was she dreaming?

"Yes, but if I go with you, then I can make sure you're fine, and all of my concerns are met! It'll be an adventure. And, I can come up with a good lie." 

"What's _happening_?!" Tina put her hands on her head. "What lie?"

"I can tell everyone we're on a trip for a project! None of the teachers really care. And we can call for help without getting in trouble!" Izzy beamed.

Tina stared at her, eyebrows furrowed, mouth in a thin line. She opened her mouth, raised a finger, took a breath, and closed it again.

She sagged. "Yeah, let's do your plan."

"Great! I'll make the call." Izzy pulled out her phone and bounced down the hallway. "This is going to be so much fun!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *EW.
> 
> *The REAL twist: Tina has a giant magnet in her bag and the town is one huge paperclip.
> 
> *Contrary to popular belief, these chairs are never bought. When a new school is built, a single blue chair appears in the room with the most blaring fluorescent lights, and the nurse's office gets built around it.
> 
> *Ah, yes, Izzy keeping up the trend of talking like a rich Victorian girl.
> 
> *The sweater is her real friend here.
> 
> *ArmWorms, the new cryptid in the Twilight lore. Tina's gonna fall in love with one, you watch.
> 
> *Hey guys! A new form of percussion! It's called "passing out next to hard objects!"
> 
> *It's like pixie dust, but it makes you go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
> 
> *A Single Black Ant, coming to theaters June 2021. Or you know, whenever the quarantine ends.
> 
> *If the words "granola bar" will get me sued, just pretend it says "garnold barbapbap" instead!


	9. Just Bros being Bros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina, Indigo, and Hat decide to eat at a questionable diner and meet some...unexpected guests.

The sun was blinding after Forks.

Seriously, it was a hazard. Anyone coming from the Pacific Northwest would be greeted by white rays ramming into their eyeballs, leaving tiny pinpricks of light that appeared every time they blinked. Apparently, it was such a common problem hat Tina got handed a pamphlet as soon as she got out of the car, warning her to wear sunglasses.*

Tina squinted at the shining gray buildings that sprouted from the desert and grew high into the blinding blue sky. The way it was surrounded by red rock and tucked into the sand, Tina was reminded of an alien city.

“Where do we even _find_ food here?” Tina shaded her eyes with her hand.

“There’s a ton of stuff around!” Hat bounced down the sidewalk. “Burgers, tacos, tamales, BBQ…”

“Bone marrow.” Indigo was dressed in a characteristic black, shredded, thin shirt with a hood that came down to her nose.

“Whatever it is, can we just get out of the sun? The heat is _killing me_ .” Tina thought some sunshine would make her cold better, but alas, nature existed just to spite her. Instead of a cooling breeze clearing her sinuses, she got the sun’s hot rays burning into her nose, somehow making it _more_ clogged.*

“Why did you come? You’re sick.” Indigo looked at Tina.

Tina swatted a bug out of her face. “I _had_ to get away from Izzy. She’s always asking if I’m okay or telling me this is a bad idea or asking why we’re here or trying to make me eat soup.”

“Wow, rude. She’s just trying to take care of you. She’s gonna hate you when you get back. You should fight her.” Indigo’s deadpan tone made it hard to tell if she was being serious.

“I wonder how her and Jonah are doing?*” Hat was still bouncing down the street. “Have they ever met before?”

“I don’t think so. They should fight.”

The three of them stopped in front of a tiny cafe, covered in paper bats and glowing pumpkins. Purple streamers lined the tinted doors.*

“You wanna eat here, Indigo? Seems like your speed.” Hat grinned and pulled the door open.

“I want you to fight the waiter.”

“What is it with you and fights?” Tina sniffled. 

“I like chaos.”

The inside of the restaurant was just as gaudy as the outside. Each of the booths had a bone hand holding a fake candle in front of blood-red seats; the walls were covered in shelves full of fake eyeballs, brains, lizards, and resumes; paper bats hanging on strings whacked customers in the face (not that there _were_ any) and caused waiters to stumble; and a creepy piano soundtrack plink plonked through the air, a cackle punctuating it every thirty seconds.*

A grinning pale man in a god-awful red-and-white suit flashed a pair of glistening white fangs at them from behind a booth in the front. “Welcome to Eat, Drink, and Be Scary, the all-year-round Halloween themed diner! Table for three?”

Tina nodded. 

“Excellent, excellent.* Follow me through this house of horror, to your table of terror, to begin your meal of mayhem!” He whirled, flaring his cape, and walked away with huge, low steps, cackling the whole time. The three teenagers followed and plopped into a booth next to one of the dark windows. The red velvet prickled Tina’s arms.

“Here’s a menu. Don’t forget to talk to the Hand!” The waiter winked and low-wide-walked away.

“Wow, this is so weird!” Hat was practically squealing with delight. “What do you think, Indigo?”

“I wish they used real bones.”

Tina stared at her menu, the words a blur. Normally, when coming across something like this, Tina would be screaming about the way the waiter walked or the giggling mummy in the corner or the bartender somehow using the arms of his spider suit to mix drinks, but she’d seen so much in the past few days that this was benign by comparison.

“Ooooo, I think I’ll get the hotdog, the, uh...” Hat looked at Tina and held back a laugh.

“What?” Tina asked.

“The _Hallow Weenie_.” 

Tina groaned and rolled her eyes.

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, that’s what Jake got too!” a voice boomed from behind Tina. The three teenagers jumped and whipped around.

Squashed into the booth behind them were five enormous men. One of them had a snapback, one rested his white Adidas shoes on the table, one had a Monsta™ tank top that he had clearly ripped the sleeves off of himself, one wore a football jersey that said “YOUR MOM” on it, and one had his arms covered in tattoos. The smell of Old Spice deodorant (workout edition!) clouded the air around them. They all had some kind of energy drink with their meals, and they all sat with their arms either folded or back on the booth seat.

In short, they were the broiest bros Tina had ever seen.

“Sorry,” the one in the jersey mumbled, “didn’ mean to scare yeh. But my main man Jake--”

“JAKE!” the rest of them chanted and shook the one with the tattoos.

“--he says the Hallow Weenie’s real good. He’s good at tellin’ that kinda stuff.” Jersey bro squeezed Jake around the shoulders.

“Thanks, bro,” Jake mumbled.

“No problem, bro.”

Our three protagonists stared at them in silence.

“What? Do ya not like Jake?” Jersey bro raised an eyebrow.

“No, we just--didn’t expect to see you here.” Tina shrugged her shoulders up to her ears.

“Dude, we _love_ this place!” Monsta™ bro pounded his hands on the table.

“Really?” Hat fiddled with his fingers.

“Yeah! The food’s cheap, the waitstaff's nice--”

“The decor is toit,” the Adidas bro piped up.

“TOIT!” The rest of them chanted.

“Uh-huh.” Tina slid until she was half under the table.

“Anyway, we were just headin’ out.” Jersey bro stood up. 

“Didja remember to tip?” Adidas bro asked.

“‘Course, gotta be good to the staff. Ain’t that right Ricky?!” 

“Thanks, John.” A waiter in a werewolf costume called.

“Anytime, dude.” John walked outside.

“WAIT!” Adidas bro shrieked. Tina’s jaw dropped.

John’s eyes widened. He looked down. “Oh, _shit_.” 

John’s skin was glittering a hundred different colors. Light bounced onto the walls from the dudebro’s skin and pierced a million holes into Tina’s retinas.

“He’s like--” Hat’s voice was cut off with a _thunk_. Tina turned around to see Jake hovering over Hat, who was slumped on the table. The snapback bro had a cloth over Indigo’s mouth. Tina saw a blur, then everything went black.*

The first thing Tina felt was the _pain._ The throbbing pain in her head, nose and throat. The second thing was the ropes. Each curve dug into her wrists and ankles. The third thing was the soft cloth smothering her head and neck and pressing her hair into her ears.

Tina’s head shot straight up. The cloth stretched over her nose and mouth, tightening around her neck. She tried to breathe, but couldn’t catch any air. Not knowing what else to do, she threw herself on the ground and started to thrash and kick, hoping someone, _anyone_ would _get this thing off her--_

“Whoa, dude, I don’t think this chick can breathe!” A deep male voice said.

“Yo, what?!”

“Breathing, remember bro? Humans need to do that!”

“Crap.”

“What do we do?”

“I dunno! We don’t have a lotta living peeps* in here!”

Tina thrashed harder. She screamed with her mouth closed, trying to conserve as much air as possible.

“Uh, dude!”

“Yeah yeah bro, I see it!”

“Hey, bro, what did we say ‘bout bein’ a--”

“Sorry I was a jerk, bro.”

“‘Salright, bro. Pound it out.”

Tina screamed louder.

“Fine, we were havin’ a _moment_! Way to ruin it, dude.” The cloth was ripped from Tina’s head. Her hair poofed out around her head. She gulped down air.*

Staring at her were the five men from before, in all their broey glory. They were wearing the same clothes. They hunched, staring at the three humans, in front of tall, gray walls, with high windows and a ceiling that stretched into the darkness. Of course, the five guys were in boy band poses. One of them was even doing prayer hands.

“Hey, uh, maybe don’t scream? We don’t wanna get--whatever ya have.” The snapback bro backed up and waved his hands.

“Frank, we don’t _get_ colds no more,” the sleeves bro said.

“Steve, shh.” Frank glared at him.

“Just tryin’ to be helpful.” Steve crossed his legs.

“I know bro, and you’re always dope, bro.”

“How many times are you guys going to say ‘bro?’” Tina snapped. 

All five heads turned in unison.

“As many as it takes to tell my best bro I love him.” Frank’s eyes bored into her skull. She shrank back.

Hat groaned and sat up, sack still over his head. “What...what happened?”

“The dudebros _kidnapped_ us.” Tina glared at the men.

“WHAT?! Is that why I smell Old Spice?”

“You saw us glitter n’ junk. We can’t have yeh tellin’ everybody.” John shrugged. “And that’s our smell. Nice, yeah?”

Tina couldn’t smell anything. Go figure.*

“Hey, why isn’t Hat’s bag strangling him? I almost _died_ in mine.” Tina furrowed her eyebrows.

“Guess yer special.” Jake shrugged.

Tina snorted.

“What are you going to do with us?” Hat squeaked. His voice was barely above a whisper.

“Normally we’d eatcha, but we had a snack.” Jake grinned.*

“Yuh, and I got _blood_ on my white _Adidas_.” Adidas bro lifted his shoes up and showed them to Jake, eyes full of tears.*

“‘Sokay, bro. We’ll fix them...together.” Jake grabbed Adidas bro’s shoulders. Pink sparkles filled the air. 

Adidas bro wiped a single tear from his cheek. “Thanks, man.”

Tina blinked once, then twice. “I’m sorry, what?! Did I _miss_ something?!”

“Man, stop _judging_. I love my bros.” Jake put an arm around Adidas bro.

“It’s--I’m--WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Tina sputtered. 

“We gotta decide what to do wit’cha.” John said. Jake and Adidas bro were still gazing into each others’ eyes. “See, my main man Frank--”

“Dat’s me,” snapback bro said.

“FRANK!” The other guys chanted.*

“--he thinks we oughta kill ya and eatcha later.” John studied his fingers. “I’m not sure ‘bout that, though.”

“Hey, uh, John?” Frank shuffled his feet.

“What is it, bro?”

"I'm not a 'him' no more."

"What?" John turned around.

"Yeh, I'm nonbinary n' stuff." Frank looked at the floor.

"What's that mean?" 

"I'm not a dude or a chick. I'm a they/them kinda guy." Frank's face went pink. He put his hands behind his back.

There was a pause. John stared at Frank.

"Hope that's cool." Frank kept looking at the ground.

"'Course it's cool, bro." John went over and pulled Frank into a side-hug.

"For real?"

"Yeah, bro! You be whoever you wanna _be_. 'Member the one rule?" John shook him.

"'Always support ya bros?" Frank stammered out.

" _Always_ support ya bros." John looked Frank in the eye. "This nonbinary thing is more than cool, it's _dope_."

"Thanks, bro." Frank let out a huge sigh of relief. "Hey, do I still get to be a bro?"

"Only if you want to, bro." John smiled.

"Bro..." Frank's eyes shone in the semidark.

While Tina watched all this happen, speechless, she felt something cold touch her elbow. She glanced down and saw that Indigo was gently squeezing her arm, letting her know she was awake. Indigo slid her hand away and behind her back, stiff as the floorboards below. Tina heard a soft _click._

"What was that?" Adidas bro's gaze snapped to Tina.

"Um, that was my uh, my watch!" _Goddammit, Tina_.

"I dunno. I think it sounded like--" Adidas bro was cut off by a scream.

"What was _that_?" John's gaze flicked from window to window.

"It sounded like...nah, it can't be." Steve shook his head.

"What you think, Steve?" John gripped his shoulder.

"I think it's a hunt, bro."

John's eyes widened. "You sure?"

Steve nodded. Tina felt Indigo's arms moving slightly.

Another scream. All five of the bros looked at each other, uneasy.

"You think we oughta check it out?" Frank looked at John.

"We still got these humans..." John put a hand on his chin.

"Oh, go ahead!" Hat said. "We'll just, stay here and you can decide what to do with us when you get back!"

"You swear?" Adidas bro glared at Hat.

"Scout's honor!" Hat chirped. "You can't see, but I'm doing a Scout sign with my fingers.*"

There was a pause. Then another scream.

John snapped into action. "A'ight, bros, we gotta go check this out. 'Snot like they can get away anyways. Homies, to me!" He raised his fists in the air. The other guys gathered around him.

"NO! BRO! LEFT! BEHIND!" John screamed.

"NO! BRO! LEFT! BEHIND!" The rest of them repeated.

"ARE YOU READY?"

"YEAH!" 

"ARE YOU READY?"

"YEAH!"

"LET'S DO THIS!" John waved his arms in the air and ran for the warehouse door.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!" Five blurs shot out the door and into the gorgeous sunset.

"AHA!" Indigo yelled. She raised her arms in the air. Rope fragments fell to the floor. She pulled the bag off her head. "Swiss Army Knife, baby!"

"Did...did they actually just leave us here?" Tina let Indigo cut her loose.

"Ha, yeah. Hat, you were awesome." Indigo smiled.

"Thanks!" Hat's head bounced under his bag. "Man, I can't _wait_ to get back to our room! That was _scary_."

"You can go, I'm gonna follow the dudebros." Tina massaged her wrists.

"What? Why?"

"They said something about a _hunt_. I gotta find out what they're talking about. It's the same thing the Cullens said in the baseball field!" Tina jumped to her feet.

"I'll come too. I wanna see someone get murdered." Indigo finished Hat's restraints. She pulled the bag off his head.

"I mean, I'll come too then, I guess. Can't let Indigo go alone." Hat sighed.

Indigo blushed.

"Okay then." Tina headed for the door, grabbing an old piece of piping on the way. "It's time to see what they're hunting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *They did not, however, warn about the giant snakes hiding in the cliffs. Mostly because anyone who saw one of those snakes did not live to tell the tale.
> 
> *Mother Nature hates you, Tina.
> 
> *At the moment, Izzy and Jonah were playing an incredibly awkward game of Go Fish. However, after a strange experience with the pizza man, Jonah broke out the glow sticks and Izzy put on her favorite Broadway musical numbers, and they had a great time. Their neighbors did not.
> 
> *Bought from the same place as the Occult Candles. Seriously, call 1-800-BOOO now. We really want you to. Please.
> 
> *I hope those semicolons were semi-correct.
> 
> *MR. BURNS??????
> 
> *Oh look, I used unconsciousness as a transition. What have I done.
> 
> *"Yeah, usually we have marshmallow peeps, dawg! If those were living, we'd be in it!"
> 
> *Fish Tina once again makes an appearance.
> 
> *You see, Tina, you're the protagonist, which is why you get to suffer extra. Isn't that fun?
> 
> *Chex Mix really hits the spot.
> 
> *Yeah, from the Chex Mix.
> 
> *He's really FRANK with everyone. 
> 
> *"And I'm crossing the fingers on my other hand. Checkmate, sucker!"


	10. The Fire, the Predator, and the Prey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina and the gang follow the dudebros to an upsetting scenario.
> 
> Mild content warning! There is some blood involved. No gore though! Just wanted to warn those of you that might be upset by blood. :)

Tina had a certain vision for how this would all play out. She thought she would sprint beneath the towering pink-and-orange streaked clouds and faded periwinkle sky, her feet barely touching the ground as she whooshed far ahead of Indigo and Hat, be the first one to burst through the dance studio door. She thought she would punch the bad guy in the face, save the screaming girl, and finally figure out the mystery of Forks.

The reality wasn’t nearly as glorious. Oh, the sunset was beautiful, especially over the red desert mountains, but Tina was a whole different story. She dragged her feet over the pavement, arms pumping through the air like broken water pipes as she chugged out a steady pace of 0.0000001 miles an hour. Finally, she just gave up and lay down on the hot sidewalk.

“I can’t doooooooo it.” 

“Tina, we’ve been running for two minutes.” Indigo looked back at her.

“C’mon, Tina, you can make it!” Hat ran back to her side and grabbed her arm. “We’re so close!”

“Ugh, go _away_.” Tina curled onto her side and snuggled into the concrete.

“You can do it!” 

“Shhhhhhh, naptime.” Tina squeezed her eyes shut.

“ _Tina_ .” Hat leaned in next to her. “You are the _reason we’re in this situation in the first place._ This is _what you wanted_ . Now _get up_.”

Tina lay on the pavement. Hat stared at her.

“Nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooo,” she finally groaned. “Go on withoooooout meeeeee.”

Hat sighed. “Alright, Indigo, you’re up.”

“Hey, what the--” Tina was scooped into Indigo’s arms, bridal style.

“Got her.” Indigo started running. She turned a corner.

Tina started at Indigo, red-faced.

“What?” Indigo wasn’t even breaking a sweat.

“You’re...so strong…*"

“Yeah, when you live somewhere as boring as Forks, you get a lot of hobbies.” 

“Forks is boring to you?”

“Yeah, I haven’t even seen someone get murdered yet.*"

"Well you might be about to." Hat clutched his stomach, panting. "Oh wow you're _fast_. Gimme a minute."

The three of them stopped in front of a long, low "THIS SPACE FOR RENT" building. Most of the space was empty, painted in drab, unimaginative grays and browns, but the room to the far left was a light, pleasant pink, with a fuchsia door and huge windows. It was much too nice for what was going on inside.

Tina slid out of Indigo's arms and to wiggled to her feet. "Wait, didn't we follow the vampire dudebros here? Where did they go?" 

Indigo pointed. Zooming down the road were those very dudebros, chanting "NO! SKIPPING! LEG! DAY!"

"Yeah that seems about right." 

A scream pierced Tina's ears.* Hat ran to the window and smushed his face against it. "Guys, look!"

Among the shards of glass from the broken mirrors lining the dance studio walls was the shaking body of a girl with brown hair and a white shirt, loomed over by a pale, crooked frame, holding a video camera. Blood flecks decorated his smirk as he circled the girl. He admired her twisted leg, the gash carved in her head, the blood turning her shirt red and pooling on the floor.*

"Oh my God, that's _Bella_!" Hat shrieked. "He's going to kill her! We have to do something!"

"Okay, uh, Indigo, still have your knife?" Tina ran for the studio door.

"Yep." 

Tina saw Bella raise her arm. The man lurched forward with glee. He grabbed her hand and smelled it.*

"EW." Tina gagged, hand on the doorknob. 

"No!" Hat put a hand to his mouth. "Is he gonna--" Hat probably thought the man's next move was to snap her arm, or drag her away, or pull out a knife and--well you get the idea. 

But instead of any of those things, he... _bit her?_

"What kinda kinky--"

"We _have_ to get in there _now_." Tina turned* the knob. "Indigo, follow--"

Tina felt cold fingers grip the back of her neck, warm breath whisper in her ear, "not so fast, _human_." A hand gripped her waist and yanked her away from the door.* She heard Indigo and Hat yelling.

Tina was thrown against a tree. The impact rocketed through her spine and stole the air from her lungs. A hot rod poked her ribcage. She looked down at her feet. Oh God, her toes weren't supposed to bend that way, were they?*

"I _knew_ I'd find you here." A voice, smooth and cold as the scales of a python, slithered in her ears. Tina looked up and found herself staring into the crimson eyes of the woman from the clearing. Her blood-red nails shone in the setting sun as she examined them. She had changed into a scarlet fur coat and burgundy dress. Her vivid hair was held back in a ruby clip.*

"Why--why are you wearing all red," Tina coughed.

"Oh? This? Thought I should dress for the occasion." Victoria examined her nails. She leaned in close and smirked. "You know, I thought tht I'd only have one meal tonight, but..." She closed her eyes and inhaled, licking her lips. "...you'll make a nice appetizer."

That hit Tina's limit. She could handle a fever, she could handle seeing her classmate in a puddle of her own blood, she could handle being thrown at a hundred miles an hour through the air.* But dying just to be someone's _appetizer?_ _That_ was going too far.

Tina wiped her mouth and struggled to her feet. Pain splintered through her legs. She held onto the tree trunk with one hand.

"Look, _lady_ ," Tina spat. "I don't know who the _hell_ you think you are, or _what_ you are, or _what your deal is_ , you _don't get to kill me because you want a snack_!" Tina flung herself forward, throwing her full weight on the woman.

She promptly smacked into her chest and fell to the ground. "Ow! What are you made of?!" She rubbed her now red cheek.

The woman laughed. "Oh, wow, bravo!" She slow-clapped. "I didn't think you'd try _that_." She cupped Tina's cheek. "Well, this was fun, but I think I should get on with it. You understand. Don't play with your food, and all." She laughed.

"Wait, before I die..." _C'mon, Tina, think! Something, anything!_

"What's your name?" She blurted. _Wow, that's not going to work_ , she thought. _She can't be that stupid_.

The woman stopped. She leaned in close to Tina's ear. "Victoria," she whispered. Her fangs glistened in the yellow streetlight. 

Then, another scream...but this time, it was a male scream. Victoria's head snapped up. Her eyes widened. "James?!" She leaped into the air and took off running back where they'd come, completely forgetting about Tina.* "JAMES!"

Tina crawled after Victoria's red blur. Rocks burrowed into her palms.* She saw Victoria push her friends to the curb with a scream and pound on the window.

"JAMES, NO!" She sobbed.

The man from the field's video camera was on the ground, the lens shattered, clutched in his disembodied hand. His head was in Alice's arms, his left leg thrown over Jasper's shoulder. Instead of a horrific bloody mess typical of dismemberment, his arms looked as if they were made of marble from the inside-out. Rather than ripping, the edges of them simply shattered. Emmett started a small fire, using his shirt as fuel. Rosalie stared at his pale chest, holding the dead man's clothed torso.*

The bloody mess was behind them. Carlisle applied a now-red cloth to Bella's head as she convulsed, slammed into the mirror, and yelled "oh god it _burns!_ " over and over again. And next to her was the last Cullen Tina could see. Edward's teeth dug into Bella's wrist. His eyes, wide, dilated, and completely feral, had changed from their usual Perfect Boy Gold to a deep, piercing red. Blood ran down his chin. He looked as if he was... _feeding_ on her.

Tina and Victoria ran for the door. Victoria got there first.

Rosalie hurled Jame's torso into the fire. The fire shot up to the ceiling, casting sparks in every direction. As more and more of James was thrown into the flames, they consumed the chairs, the dance mats, everything. Victoria tried to get past the flames, but they were too strong. 

Tina hobbled after Victoria, but before she could get there, she was scooped off the ground.

"Hey, what the--" 

"Sorry, this is for your own good!" Hat yelled over Indigo's shoulder.

"They're gonna kill her!" Tina slapped Indigo's hands. She didn't even flinch.

"And you're going to die if you go in there!" 

Victoria collapsed in front of the flames, head in her hands, shaking. Edward cradled Bella's limp body in his arms and the Cullens ran for the back exit.

"THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!" Tina tried to squirm out of Indigo's arms, but it was no use.

"We need to go. Now." Hat grabbed Indigo's arm and dragged her into a sprint.*

The orange glow of the ablaze studio lit the Phoenix night. A fire truck wailed down the suburb street. And Victoria's howls carried over the still-standing houses, leaving an echo in Tina's ears she would never quite forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TINA YOU USELESS LESBIAN.
> 
> *"And they promised alien abductions in the brochure, but they totally skimped on me!"
> 
> *Suddenly, her earlobes were adorned with sick skull stubs.
> 
> *"This might be my best Realistic Human Dummy exhibit yet!"
> 
> *HURK.
> 
> *Why has it taken so long for her to OPEN A DOOR?
> 
> *Gotta be chivalrous before you devour your victim like a Thanksgiving turkey, am I right?
> 
> *Yes, Tina, it's a hot new dance, called the "OW!"
> 
> *Wow she's really a...girl in red.
> 
> *BUT I WOULD FLY FIVE HUNDRED MILES AND I WOULD FLY FIVE HUNDRED MORE--
> 
> *Wait, Victoria, what about your appetizer?!
> 
> *A MAN IS DEAD, ROSALIE, HAVE SOME RESPECT.
> 
> *How our protagonists weren't already screaming and fleeing the scene, we may never know.


	11. Anchor Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the night's events sparks some...interesting conversations.

Tina really didn’t want to cry.

Her nose had been clogged all day, and her eyes had been steadily leaking tears for the last six hours for no good reason. Well, the first four hours were for no good reason. The last two were a result of the horror she had witnessed. The image of Bella's broken body was forever burned into her mind, flashing every time she closed her eyes.

Hat didn't try to cheer her up, Indigo walked on ahead. None of them spoke while they caught the bus, walked down the dark street, and opened the door of the motel.*

And for most of their journey, the silence was due to stress and shock and anger and all sorts of other unpleasant emotions, but what they saw when they opened the door left them speechless for different reasons.

Izzy was standing on the table, holding a glow stick in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other, wearing her pajamas and Jonah's tinfoil hat. Jonah was sitting on the floor, his hair braided with hot pink ribbon and his eyes invisible behind dark sunglasses with neon green rims. He was playing a saxophone. Izzy was screeching the lyrics to some Broadway song, horribly off-key, and doing an approximation of the choreography. The television was on in the background. Both of them had marker tattoos on various limbs.*

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I DO DO I DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HEY!" Izzy sang "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I DO I DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

Jonah bwaaed at the appropriate times.

"BOY YOU GOT ME HELPLESS--oh, hi ow argh!" Izzy saw Indigo, Hat, and Tina's shocked faces and tripped off of the table, sending her pizza flying and somehow clipping her elbow on the side of the bed.

 _Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_ Jonah went. He laughed.

Izzy glared at him. He grinned. "What's up guys?"

"Bella's probably dead," Tina said.*

Izzy's jaw dropped. Jonah's sunglasses fell to the floor. They stared at Tina.

Jonah _bwaaaaaaaed_ in a sad, subdued way.

"How do you know?" Izzy got up and wrapped an arm around Tina. She guided her to one of the beds and sat her down.

"We saw it happen." Hat sat on the floor. "Bella was attacked by some creepy guy, then she got taken by the Cullens. There was so much blood..." He put his head in his hands. Indigo sat next to him and patted him on the head.

"What happened?" Jonah pulled out a notepad.

"What _happened_ is we _didn't get there in time_ and _she's dead_!" Tina started to cry, again. Izzy handed her a tissue.

"BREAKING NEWS," the TV blared, "BELLA ISN'T DEAD."

"WHAT?!" Tina shot up from the bed.

"Yes indeed," the news anchor said. He had salt-and-pepper hair and a blue tie.* His voice had an unnecessary cadence to it. "Bella is not dead. There was a fire in Renee Swan's dance studio last night, which seemed to have started from a lost cigarette. No one was killed, but some sustained unrelated injuries. Apparently, the most important part of this story, I am told, is that young Bella Swan is not dead. My teleprompter seems to be flashing that in all caps, repeatedly, in red text. In other news, are aliens real? Some staying at a motel seem to think so, since the room below them is glowing blue. Back to you, Angela.*"

Tina stared at the TV. 

"Well, that's good, she isn't dead!" Izzy patted Tina's shoulder.

"How? I saw--"

"Tina." Izzy squeezed Tina's arm. Her voice was soft. "You need to relax, all right? I know what you saw must have been _horrible_ , but you need to take a second to breathe. You did nothing wrong, Bella is okay. Nothing is urgent right now, please, please take care of yourself." She raised her voice. "And all of you need something to eat. I'll order more pizza." She pulled out her phone and stepped outside, giving Tina a look.

As soon as she was out of the door, Jonah leaned forward.*

"So," he said. "You wanna tell me what happened from the beginning?"

Tina did. She told him about the dudebro clan, the fire, Victoria, Rosalie's inappropriate glances at shirtless Emmett, all of it. Occasionally, Hat interjected with "he sniffed her hand, ew" or "all those broken mirrors, we're so cursed." At the mention of every strange detail, Jonah bounced and squeaked and wiggled with excitement. By the time Tina was finished, he had looked like he finally solved all of the mysteries of the universe, or that one puzzle that had been sitting in the back of the closet for fifteen years.*

"So you're saying he was sucking her blood." Jonah's hands were at his chin.

"That's what it looked like."

Jonah took a deep breath. He looked at his notepad. "Guys. I think I know the answer."

"That everyone involved in this is extremely horny?" Tina asked.

"Well, yes, but that's not what I'm talking about." Jonah gestured with his hands. "From everything you've told me, from the superstrength, superspeed, the uncanny paleness, hunts, all that stuff...they sound like vampires."

There was a pause.

"Jonah, vampires don't _sparkle_." Tina sighed.

"It's the only thing that makes sense, Tina!" Jonah threw his hands in the air. "They never eat, they never go into the sun in public, he was _sucking her blood_! You know what the main feature of a vampire is? Bloodsucking!"

"But vampires aren't--"

"You _have_ to know none of this is natural by now. People don't just sparkle, they don't suck human blood, they _don't lift cARS AND HUNT PEOPLE!_ "

They stared at each other. Hat and Indigo's heads whipped back and forth between them like they were cats and a particularly interesting toy was dangling on a string.

Tina knew they couldn't be vampires, could they? Jonah was right, they _did_ have the vampiric bloodsucking, and unnatural strength, and that _would_ explain why the dudebros kept saying they were going to feast on them...but no, vampires weren't real, right?! Jonah had to be making it up, right?!

But Tina had been there. She had seen Edward gorging himself on her blood, had heard Victoria's cruel whispers of devouring her as an appetizer, had glimpsed the sparkle of delight in James' eyes when he smelled Bella's hand.

She had thought the Cullens were fairies. She had thought they were something otherwordly, magical, inhuman. She had been right, in a way. She just didn't want it to be _this_ way.

Tina sagged. "Jonah, I think...I think you're right. I think the Cullens are vampires."

Jonah girpped her knee. "Accepting the supernatural can be hard. Trust me, I know. But it's worth it. The world is so full of weird, interesting stuff if you just open your eyes and look."

Tina sighed. "I hope you're right."

Jonah smiled. "You'll get used to it."

At that moment, Izzy burst through the door.

"Sorry that took so long, they tried to put _peas_ on the pizza, can you believe it?* Disgusting! People's standards, I swear." She sat next to Tina. "So, now that our whole escapade is over, I was hoping we'd drive home tomorrow? We should get back before anyone gets suspicious."

"Yeah." Tina smiled, a tiny, tired smile. "Let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Wait, then how did they agree on which bus to take?
> 
> *One of them was a picture of a horse in a spice jar with the caption "Spirit, Stallion of the Cinnamon."
> 
> *You know, that iconic News Anchor Look that we all know and love.
> 
> *"Or Megan, or Peggy, or Margaret...I don't know your name and at this point I'm too afraid to ask."
> 
> *"Okay now that she's gone we gotta start the baby sacrifice."
> 
> *Yes, that example is very specific. No, I won't elaborate on it. Leave me alone.
> 
> *Guess they thought you wanted a PEASza ahahahhahahah


	12. Party Time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's great after seeing your classmate almost die and almost dying yourself? Why, a party, of course!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***DO NOT SKIP, THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!***  
> Hey guys!  
> I know I was AWOL for a couple weeks there, and I'm sorry. I had a big midterm and deadline, which completely screwed with my schedule.  
> Speaking of which...  
> So this is the end of Twilight. The first book, not the series, which I plan to continue, starting with New Moon, of course. I have plans for all of these characters in the next chapters that I'm really excited about!!! However...I need a break. Don't worry, this isn't one of those "I'm saying I'm taking a break but actually I'm just going on permanent hiatus byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye" situations, this is a "I will be back in December with Part 2 I just need a little while to make it as good as possible" situation.  
> Got all that? Good.  
> Thank you so much for reading. I'm gonna publish a Part 2 teaser on Halloween. See you then.  
> -Intellectual Property Thief.

“Is a party really appropriate?” Tina hefted a cooler full of juice onto the long, mahogany table.*

“Of course it is!” Jonah whacked the cups down next to it. “We figured out one of the mysteries!”

“And we almost died.”

“And we  _ didn’t die _ .” Jonah put out the ghost cookies.* “And we got back without getting caught.”

That had taken multiple minor miracles. Tina slept most of the drive back, so she didn’t remember the sudden tumbleweeds that smacked into the windshield, the forest of escaped cows in the middle of the road, or the suspiciously large lizard skull Jonah had insisted they stopped and looked at. She was conscious while she scrambled to explain the trip, her voice five octaves too high and her eyes looking at everything  _ except  _ her family. Her dad bought it immediately, and insisted on taking her inside and tucking her into bed, all the while grumbling about “why did you have to go when you were sick?” Krista, however, was not so easily convinced. In fact, earlier that day, Krista had grilled Tina while she pulled a jack-o-lantern shirt with the caption “Eat Here! Don’t be a Hallo-Weenie!” over her head,* berated Tina as she climbed into the car, and shouted at her as she drove away.

“Yeah, but we haven’t even answered all of our questions.” Tina sat down in a hard plastic chair. Even the Occult Club had to sacrifice its aesthetic on the altar of budgetary constraints.

“But we have a  _ piece of the puzzle  _ now. Granted, we haven’t actually found the  _ puzzle  _ yet, but we’re getting there.” He laughed.

“I don’t know if I’ll  _ survive  _ long enough to find the puzzle,” Tina grumbled. 

“You’ll survive until September, at least.” Jonah put the sandwich platter down and tried to reposition a candle. He got wax on his fingers.

“Why September?” Tina raised her eyebrows as Jonah shrieked and blew on his fingers.

Jonah took a cup, filled it with cold juice, and plunged his fingers into it. He sighed with relief. “My dads are taking me on vacation over the summer. I won’t be back until like, a week before the school year starts.”

Tina frowned. “How do your dads have so much time off work?”

“Oh they’re both teachers.” 

“Really?” Tina’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, I didn’t know there was another high school in this town.”

“No they both teach here.” Jonah’s fingers were still in the cup, which was growing lukewarm.

_ That explains why you get away with ditching class so much _ . “Who are they?”

“The high school math and English teacher.” Jonah took a sip of the juice and gagged. “Nope. That was gross. Nevermind.”

“Wait, your parents are Mr. Jones and Mr. Schwananana?” Tina snorted.

“Yep. And, no, before you ask, I don’t play the bongos,” Jonah sighed.

“So, one of your parents is named...Mr. Jones.” 

“Yes?”

Tina snickered. “So...your full name...is  _ Jonah Jones _ ?!”

Jonah groaned. “Yes, I have  _ that  _ dad’s last name, but I--”

Tina burst out laughing. “I can’t believe your name,  _ your name _ , is  _ Jonah Jones! _ What, was Schroder Schwananana taken?!” 

Jonah rolled his eyes. “Isn’t your name _ literal garbage _ ?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Tina tried to breathe. “I know, it’s your name, I was just, uh…”

“It’s fine. I think it makes me sound like a cool detective.” Jonah winked.*

_ He really is his father’s son _ , Tina thought. The door to Room 666 creaked open.*

“Hey. We brought stuff.” Indigo lurked behind Hat, who bounded into the room with a tray of black apples.

“How did you get them that color?” Jonah wheeled over and examined the fruit.

“We let them rot in a field. That usually does the trick.*” 

“ _ No _ ,  _ we did not _ .” Hat put the apples on the table. “It was just a little charcoal extract and sugar water.”

“And three months under a scarecrow, like we planned.” Indigo reached into her bag. “We also brought this plastic raven.”

“He’s...cute.” Tina reached over and patted the hard, cold beak.

“His name is Ferris and he’s my best friend.”

“Like the wheel?”

At that moment, Izzy walked through the door. “Sorry I’m late, everyone, I was helping the computer guy at the mall work through his childhood trauma, but I brought homemade paninis!” She set them at the end, completing the table. She was somewhat overdressed, in a long, billowing black dress made of velvet, with black roses woven into her hair and black thorns painted on her arms and draped on the rims of her glasses.

“What’s with the outfit?” Tina asked.

“Isn’t this a Halloween party?” Izzy gestured at everything. 

“Sort of? These were the only decorations in this rooms’ closet we could find, so…”

“Ah, I thought it was a bit strange that we were doing this in March.” Izzy looked down at her dress. “I suppose I look silly, putting this much effort into a dress.”

“What?! No! You look great!” Tina sputtered. “I was just, uh, surprised, that’s all! It looks really good!” Her cheeks lit up. She shoved her hands in her pockets.

Indigo raised her eyebrows from behind Izzy. Hat had a wicked grin stretched across his face. Tina glared at them.

Izzy seemed not to notice. “I made the dress myself! I’m very proud of it.” She smiled. Tina thought she was going to faint.

Jonah looked at the platter she had brought.“Ooooooo,  _ paninis _ .” Jonah wiggled his eyebrows. 

Izzy snorted. “Not like  _ that _ .”

Hat coughed. “Should we get this party started?”

“Yes!” Jonah jumped and rubbed his hands together. “I have Clue! And also other games, but Clue is the best.”

The five teenagers sat around the Clue board, each with a paper plate piled high with deliciously unhealthy goodies. They ate and talked and spat their drinks when  _ Kernel Mustard  _ turned out to be the killer, and when they were done with that, the party got really wild with some good old Broadway tunes. The five of them sang, danced, and took tons of blackmail photos, and just had a wonderful time, without the Great Mysteries of Forks hanging over their heads.

And this continued for the summer. For three short months, they wouldn’t have to watch the Cullens, solve the cases of disappearing teens, or try to figure out why Bella wouldn’t leave her room. 

But that next fall, when the howling winds brought a teenage breakup, a vital household disappearance, and a redhead back for revenge, well...you’ll just have to wait and see.

END OF PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *THAT is MAHOGANY.**  
> **How do they have a mahogany table in a public high school?
> 
> *Contrary to what you may think, these cookies were not shaped like ghosts. They were actually the imprint of departed cookie souls, crying out from Jonah's stomach.
> 
> *Indigo had given this shirt to Tina, saying she had stolen it on their way out from the Halloween restaurant in Phoenix. When Tina pointed out that they had been unconscious at the time, and therefore could not have actually stolen anything, Indigo merely replied with "a girl has her ways." Tina was also a girl, so she didn't see why this was relevant.
> 
> *It always creaked open. The Occult Club made sure of that.
> 
> *"Yeah it's called the 'Give your Friends Food Poisoning' method."
> 
> *Ah, another cliffhanger. Truly, I am the worst.


	13. Prologue for Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a spooky prologue for Part 2, as promised.

_ The night was like any in Forks. The drizzle was thick, the full moon was invisible behind the clouds, and a woman was out for revenge.* _

_ This woman’s boots were as red as her hair. That was the only thing in her outfit that matched. Since the death of James, her, well, she hadn’t quite known what to call him then, and certainly didn’t know what to call him now, she had taken to wearing a ripped brown North Face jacket and dirty jeans she had bought in the 1990s*. She barely felt the sting of the rain on her marble skin as she stalked the white Cullen house. The glow of its windows turned the drops falling from the sky a soft gold. Laughs drifted through the air from within. _

_ Victoria desired nothing more than to snuff that light out, than to turn those joyous laughs to screams of terror. She could see the silhouettes of the family within. The stupid, tall, blonde one, the thick, dark-haired teen who hunted bears for sport, and, worst of all, the brooding boy they called Edward. On his arm was the girl known as Bella, with her signature smug smirk. Victoria felt a flicker of pride at the sight of the cast on her leg. James had been a good tracker, the best tracker. And these traitors had killed him, ripping him into pieces as if he didn’t matter, as if he had no one who cared about him…* _

_ Victoria turned and stalked away into the woods. Staring at the happy Cullens wasn’t going to help her now. She had to find a hideout, make a plan. _

_ Her head shot up at the stench of burned car tires. No, the scent wasn’t quite the same as rubber, it had notes of the stink of old cheese and a hint of human sweat. _

_ She sniffed again. She knew there were other creatures, with other smells, here in Forks, but she’d never smelled anything like this.  _

_ Victoria heard heavy panting and claws scraping the forest floor. She heard branches snap under halting footsteps, snarls as whatever this thing was crashed into trees. She stepped back into the shadows of a juniper. She may have been angry, heartbroken, and vengeful, but she wasn’t stupid.* _

_ Through the gaps in the pine needles, Victoria saw something that looked like a wolf. At first, anyway. The more she stared, the more she noticed its unusually steely gray fur, its overly long claws, and the fact that it was standing on its hind legs.  _

_ A shiver crept up Victoria’s spine. This was no ordinary werewolf she was seeing. This was...something else. Something older, something hungrier.* She knew she couldn’t fight it, not there, not then. Normally, she would have objected to what she called “cowardice” and most other people called “retreating so I don’t die before I get to turn 18,” but this was not normal. So she kept her eyes on the creature, stepping ghost steps over the fallen leaves and covering her mouth so she wouldn’t throw up from the stink. She did this until that thing was out of sight, then she turned and sped down the road and blurred out of Forks.* _

_ Oh, she would be back. She had to go back. But for now, the nice cottage whose previous inhabitant she had fed on had a nice, warm couch for her to plot her revenge on. Maybe she would indulge in the human delicacy of cocoa later. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Also the local witch was trying to make a thunderstorm, a supervillain in the next town had managed to mind control the entire downtown population, and Ms. Lime was having her third coffee that night, but those aren't important to the story right now.
> 
> *OOOOOOOOOOO, I see we have a 90s kid.
> 
> *I mean, it was a fair assumption, because he was lowkey a total piece of trash.
> 
> *You do have to be a bit stupid to date James, Victoria.


End file.
